


High Enough

by secretlywritessmut



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Eren Yeager, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Homophobic Language, M/M, Minor Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recreational Drug Use, Shower Sex, Smut, Switching, Top Eren Yeager, Top Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2018-12-24 04:14:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12004797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretlywritessmut/pseuds/secretlywritessmut
Summary: He didn’t want to go back to his apartment, to his empty bed, and feel that same gut-wrenching loneliness that had been eating away at him for weeks. Levi was nice. Levi wanted him. Levi would take care of him for the night.





	1. Spun

**Author's Note:**

> **Fair warning, this fic is gonna be messed up. Inspired by the song "High Enough" by K.Flay**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> **Spun -  
> **  
>  **to be under the influence of methamphetamine.**

“Come on, Eren. You need to get out of the apartment.”

Eren pointedly ignored his sister, snuggling further into his spot on the couch to emphasize the fact that he would not be going anywhere. He picked up the remote and changed the channel, and she flopped down beside him with a sigh, earning a dirty look from him. She was dressed stylishly for a night out, wearing a leather moto jacket, knee high boots and her signature red scarf around her neck.

“I’m not going,” He grumbled. “I’ll look like a pile of garbage next to you.”

Mikasa smirked. “We still have an hour before Jean gets here to make you look decent. Besides, it’ll be dark and no one will see you that well anyway.”

Eren just rolled his eyes.

“Please? It’s been two weeks now of you moping around. Reiner is probably already getting on with his life.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Eren exclaimed, suddenly turning in his seat to face her, fists clenched in his lap. “Of course he’s already getting on with his life; _with his new boyfriend!”_

Mikasa looked pained for a moment and sighed. “I know it hurts, Eren, but you need to try and move on. Come out tonight, have fun with your friends, dance with some guys...”

Eren’s shoulders sagged and he ran a hand through his greasy hair, contemplating. He _had_ been in a slump ever since his boyfriend dropped the bomb on him that he was in love with someone else, a mutual friend of theirs, no less. He’d been running on autopilot the past few weeks, attending his classes, working his shifts at the hardware store and then coming home to the apartment he shared with his sister, only to nap or watch Netflix. 

“Fine,” He conceded, a determined look on his face as he stood up. “I’ll go, but I’m not going to dance with anyone!”

Mikasa watched as he headed towards the bathroom, a fond smile on her face.

Eren managed to get himself looking and smelling like a human being again before Jean showed up in his dad’s SUV, with Marco in the passenger seat and Armin in the back. They parked at Sasha and Connie’s apartment which was only a short walk from the club downtown.

Eren nursed a single beer as everyone else enjoyed their pre-drinks and once they felt they were sufficiently tipsy, they began their trek to the club. As they made their way down the sidewalk, Jean strided alongside Eren, throwing an arm around his shoulders.

“Good to have you back, man. Thought we’d lost you for good,” He joked and Eren gave a weak smirk, elbowing him in the side.

“It’s gonna take a lot more than that to get rid of me,” He replied easily, sounding more sure than he felt. There was nothing he hated more than showing weakness around Jean, who loved to tease even when it wasn’t appropriate.

The club was loud and busy and Eren instantly regretted his decision to come out when a man at the bar turned and bumped into him, spilling his drink on his shoe. They all got themselves drinks and found an empty table in the corner. Jean asked Eren what he was drinking and when Eren told him it was just a Coke, Jean laughed and called him a killjoy. 

Eren rolled his eyes and slumped back in his seat, only half-listening to his friends’ drunken conversations as he looked around the club. There were a few cute guys, but his mind insisted on thinking about Reiner and his own inadequacy as a boyfriend. 

Sasha had a round of tequila shots brought to the table and passed one to Eren.

“Have one of these, hon. Tequila always perks me up!”

Eren bit his lip, eyeing the small glass sitting in front of him. He had never been drunk in his life, but if there was ever a time to do it, it was probably now, if it meant forgetting how shitty he felt just for a few hours.

Following his friends’ lead, he downed the shot and bit into the wedge of lime, cringing at the way the alcohol burned down his throat. Sasha hopped up and headed to the dancefloor with Connie in tow. Marco and Jean shared a look and then followed suit. Eren, Mikasa and Armin were left to watch and Eren could tell by the longing look in Mikasa’s eyes that she wanted to dance too.

“You don’t have to sit with me, I’ll be fine,” He told her, leaning closer so she could hear him. She gave him a look, as if to say _‘are you sure?’_ and he nodded in response. With one last glance his way, she stood up and headed for the dancefloor. Armin and Eren sat together in silence, watching everyone else enjoy themselves. Eren appreciated the company, thankful he wasn’t the only one not having much fun, until Armin announced rather drunkenly that he needed to use the bathroom.

While waiting for him to return, Eren flagged down a woman carrying a tray of drinks and picked three different coloured shots, handing her the money and then downing them one by one. One was sour, the other sweet and the third slightly creamy. He had a feeling he shouldn’t be mixing them, but couldn’t bring himself to care. 

About twenty minutes passed and Armin hadn’t come back yet so Eren got up to look for him. His head swam and he stumbled back, catching himself against the table. Once he got his bearings, he began walking around. He squeezed past swarms of people and at one point his ass was groped, but when he turned to give them shit he couldn’t pinpoint the culprit. Eventually, someone tapped his shoulder and he stopped, looking down at a man with black hair.

“Are you lost?” He asked, looking amused, and Eren took a moment to process what was said, before shaking his head.

“I’m looking for my friend,” He answered back loudly, having to shout over the music to be heard. To illustrate that fact, he looked to his left and right again, doing a double take when he finally spotted Armin sitting in a booth with another guy. The unknown man had his arm around the blonde and was whispering into his ear, making Armin giggle. Eren felt his stomach drop at the sight. Now he really was alone.

“That him?” The dark-haired man asked and Eren nodded weakly. “He looks busy. Why don’t you come and sit with me?”

Eren eyed the man warily for a moment. He was dressed in a simple black t-shirt, some ripped jeans and a pair of well-worn combat boots. He seemed harmless enough, but there was a glimmer of something in his heavy-lidded eyes that made Eren’s heart pound. He glanced back at Armin who seemed perfectly content with his new friend, before looking back at the shorter man and nodding.

“Come on,” the man gestured for him to follow, leading him through the crowd to a set of stairs that brought them to the upper level of the club. It was slightly quieter up there, at least enough that they didn’t have to shout at each other.

“I’m Levi, by the way,” the dark-haired man said, taking a seat on one of the leather couches. 

Eren gave him his own name as he looked around at the occupied seats, wondering if all of these people were friends of his. Levi patted the empty spot beside him, a smirk on his face.

“I don’t bite,” He said. Eren had a feeling that was a lie, but he sat down anyway, looking rigid and uncomfortable. It was painfully obvious that everyone else in the room was enjoying themselves more than he was.

“What are you drinking?” Levi asked as a server came by to hand out drinks.

“Oh, uh, nothing really,” Eren replied. Levi studied him for a moment and then turned back to the server and ordered something, handing her a few bills.

Afterward, he handed Eren a glass filled with dark liquid and a straw. When he asked Levi what it was, the man answered, “Jack and Coke. It’s a fail-safe for people who don’t drink much.”

Eren gave it a try and found it wasn’t too bad. Before he knew it, the glass was drained and he was feeling even more out of it than he had before. At some point, Levi had put his arm around Eren’s shoulder, his cool fingertips brushing at the back of his neck. Normally, he would be bothered, but the man’s touch felt soothing, so Eren didn’t push him away.

“Sorry your friend ditched you.”

Eren tried to look indignant. “He didn’t! He just…” He didn’t know how to finish that sentence. 

Levi looked amused again and Eren wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. Or kiss it off, maybe. He had never been one to become attracted so quickly, but there was something about Levi’s demeanor that made him comfortable and something in the way he looked at him that made him feel special.

Levi’s mouth descended on his before he had a chance to react, the hand on his neck pulling him forward, the other gripping at Eren’s waist. He tasted like alcohol and something sweet and his lips molded perfectly against Eren’s. A warm tongue thrust into his mouth, curling up against his palate and he gave a weak moan in response, his brain failing to keep up with what was happening. Levi pulled away, licking at his lips as he eyed the brunet.

“You alright?” He asked and Eren realized he was leaning against the other man, one hand braced against his chest and the other on his thigh.

“Jus’ tired,” He answered. Keeping his eyes open was becoming a challenge.

Levi shifted in his seat, pulling a small bag from his pocket. “Here, take one of these.”

“Whassat?” Eren slurred, eyeing the small white pills curiously.

“It’s something to wake you up.”

Eren tried to sit back, shaking his head. “No, I don’ do drugs,” He stated as his head lolled back against the couch.

“Don’t worry, I’ll have one with you,” Levi assured him, and Eren tilted his head to watch the shorter man pop a pill into his mouth and swallow. “Now, your turn.”

He brought the pill to Eren’s lips and the brunet hesitantly opened his mouth. If Levi took one, it couldn’t be so bad, he told himself. The pill was already on his tongue, no turning back now. He swallowed.

It took a few minutes for the pill to take affect, but Eren gradually felt more alert and slightly euphoric. The alcohol was still in his system, numbing his inhibitions, but the pill had lifted his mood, as if someone flipped a switch in his brain. The sadness was gone for the first time in weeks.

“Wow,” He mumbled, turning his head to look at Levi who was grinning at him. 

“Yeah, wow,” The other man agreed, leaning over to capture Eren’s lips again. His tongue explored Eren’s mouth and the brunet responded far more enthusiastically than before. His entire body felt warm, tingling, and every sensation was heightened. Levi’s hands roamed over his back, one of them sliding down into his pocket, firmly squeezing his ass. The shorter man groaned appreciatively, breaking the kiss and pulling away enough to look into Eren’s eyes.

“Can I take you home with me?”

Eren blinked, thinking about his friends in a moment of clarity. They were probably looking for him right now so they could leave. Jean and Marco would be heading home together, as well as Connie and Sasha. Even Armin had made a new friend. He didn’t want to go back to his apartment, to his empty bed, and feel that same gut-wrenching loneliness that had been eating away at him for weeks. Levi was nice. Levi wanted him. Levi would take care of him for the night.

“Okay,” He agreed softly.

Levi’s lips tilted upward in a charming smile and he grabbed Eren’s hand, pulling him up off the couch. The trip to his place was a blur. Eren vaguely remembered passing by Armin and telling him to let the others know he was leaving. Armin tried to argue but Levi was pulling him out the door before Eren had a chance to listen. They walked a short ways in the opposite direction of where Sasha and Connie lived and came up to an old, rundown victorian style house that had been broken up into several apartments. 

Levi brought Eren up a flight of creaky stairs, his hands cupping Eren’s face as he began kissing him again fervently, before the door had even properly closed. He pushed him up against the nearest wall and hastily began unbuckling his belt, lips sucking at his neck and Eren felt dizzy with arousal, moaning when he felt teeth scrape at his jaw.

The next moment, Levi was on his knees, swallowing Eren’s length down his throat and groaning as the taller man’s fingers tugged at his hair. Eren was in a state of bliss by the time he was lead into a room and laid against a mattress, his long limbs writhing against the cool sheets beneath him. Levi’s hands and mouth were everywhere, the man spouting off praise about how beautiful Eren was, how delicious he tasted, how good he felt and Eren soaked up every word.

It was the most intense and passionate night of his young life, all his insecurities and inhibitions tossed aside, every nerve in his body humming with pleasure. He wasn’t sure how many times they did it, but by the time Eren felt himself growing tired, the effects of the pill wearing off and the remnants of the alcohol taking over, the sun was peeking through the curtains and the sheets were damp with sweat and come. 

Levi wrapped an arm around his waist, curling up against his back and Eren’s heart fluttered in his chest just as his eyelids drooped and sleep took him.


	2. Hangover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He licked his lips, running his fingers over the bruises on his thighs. Levi hadn’t been rough, necessarily, but needy and passionate in a way he’d never experienced before. He could see that kind of lovemaking becoming addictive, more so than the pills they had taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter song: "Love Ain't Even Real" by Mantits**

His skull felt like it had split in two when he woke up again sometime mid-afternoon. There was a moment of panic when he looked around at the unfamiliar, sparsely furnished room. He was laying on a mattress on the floor and there was an arm loosely draped across his waist. Once he blinked his eyes into focus, he quickly sat up and instantly regretted it as a wave of dizziness and nausea overcame him. 

“Hey,” a groggy voice spoke from behind him and Eren peaked over his shoulder to find Levi smiling sleepily up at him, half his face smooshed into the pillow. Cold fingers traced up his spine and Eren shivered, realizing he was naked.

“Where are my clothes?” He asked, looking around the floor.

“I think your pants and underwear are in the hallway. Your shirt is in here somewhere,” Levi muttered, forcing himself into a sitting position and then groaning, “I feel like shit.”

Eren watched as the shorter man stood, naked and unashamed, moving across the room to search through the top drawer of the dresser. While he was preoccupied, Eren stood as well, taking the blanket with him and wrapping it around himself. 

Levi returned to the bed with a plate that held a single white pill and a plastic card. He eyed Eren with amusement, muttered something like “you’re cute,” before he began crushing the pill with card and scraping the powder into two long, thin lines.

“You want one?” Levi asked. “It’s the same thing we had last night but if you snort it it works faster. It’ll make you feel better.” 

Eren eyed the plate warily before pulling the blanket tighter around his shoulders and shaking his head. “I need to find my phone,” He said, heading into the hallway in search of his pants.

Without dropping the blanket, he quickly slid his underwear and jeans on before reaching into his pocket to retrieve his phone. There were 27 new messages, some from his other friends but mostly from Mikasa, and 18 missed calls, and he placed a hand over his mouth to muffle a groan.

He returned to the room to see Levi snorting a line with a rolled up bill. The man glanced up when he walked in and put the plate down on the floor, rubbing at his nose and sniffling. His grey eyes followed Eren as he picked up his shirt off the floor, dropping the blanket onto the bed and then pulling it over his head. He managed to find his socks and pulled those on as well.

“Leaving already?” Levi asked, arm resting against his leg and chin propped in his hand.

Eren gave him a weak smile. “I have to. I’m pretty sure my sister is going to kill me when I get home, though.”

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, his phone began buzzing and he took a deep breath before answering.

“Hi, Mika—”

“EREN!”

Eren pulled the phone away from his ear, his sister’s shrill voice doing nothing to soothe his aching head, and even Levi cringed at the sound from across the room. 

“Where are you?” Mikasa demanded. “Are you okay? What happened? Tell me where you are and I’ll come and get you right now!”

“I’m fine, Mikasa. I stayed with… a friend,” Eren replied weakly. “I’ll just get an uber, it’s fine.”

“I can’t believe you just took off like that last night, Eren,” She said. “I was so worried about you.”

Eren felt his gut twist with guilt and he sighed, rubbing his thumb and forefinger over his burning eyes. “I know, I’m sorry. I’ll be home soon.”

He hung up and looked back at Levi who was still sitting on the bed, naked. His clammy skin flushed as he remembered bits and pieces of the night before, how vulnerable and shameless he had let himself be, and he shook his head again.

“I can’t believe I did this,” He muttered to himself.

Levi chuckled from his spot on the mattress, leaning back against the wall and picking up a crumpled pack of cigarettes from the floor. He lit one and then asked, “It was fun, wasn’t it?”

Eren looked unconvinced and Levi just shrugged, breathing out a puff of smoke. “Well, _I_ had fun. You’re really something when you let loose, you know.”

The brunet averted his eyes as his cheeks burned, feeling both pleased and embarrassed at the other man’s words. He cleared his throat.

“Can I use your bathroom before I go?”

Levi nodded. “It’s down the hall on your left.”

Eren used the toilet, surprised to find it so clean considering the overall quality of the apartment. It was clear that the place had not had regular upkeep; the floors were scuffed and tiles were missing here and there, the paint on the walls yellowed and chipping. All in all, it was a dump, but there was no denying it was clean.

He didn’t trust the water from the tap enough to drink it, despite his parched throat, and simply splashed his face instead. On his way back to Levi’s room, he passed by another bedroom that was much messier and disorganized than Levi’s and he realized whoever the man’s roommate was, they definitely weren’t doing the cleaning.

Levi was redressed in the pair of ripped jeans from the night before, standing by the window and finishing his cigarette when Eren returned. The brunet gave Levi a tight lipped smile, scratching at the back of his head.

“I guess I’ll, uh, head out then,” He said, unsure of the proper etiquette for these kinds of situations.

Levi tossed the cigarette butt out the window and walked over, surprising Eren by wrapping his arms around his waist, hands sliding into the back pockets of his jeans and cupping his ass. He pressed a wet, open-mouthed kiss to Eren’s neck and the brunet shivered, recalling how those lips had been all over him just a few hours ago. The shorter man pulled away again, his silver eyes boring into Eren’s teal ones.

“Maybe I’ll see you around?” He said, and Eren wasn’t so sure that was a good idea, but he nodded anyway before giving an awkward wave and leaving the apartment.

He was home a half hour later and stood outside the apartment door for another five minutes, mentally preparing himself to deal with his sister’s rage. He didn’t want a lecture, all he wanted was some water and to go back to sleep.

No such luck of course, and as soon as he opened the door she was right there, hands on his face and looking him over with worry. He brushed her off and headed for the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, downing half of it in one go.

“What friend were you with?” Mikasa asked. “Armin said you left with a guy he didn’t recognize. Did you go home with a _stranger?”_

She asked the question with an incredulous tone and Eren agreed that it had been foolish, but he hadn’t been in his right head after all. He couldn’t tell her that, however, so he lied instead.

“He’s a guy I met at work.”

Mikasa crossed her arms over her chest, looking unconvinced. “Really?” She asked and Eren nodded.

“We just went back to his place for a few more drinks and then I fell asleep there. Sorry for worrying you.”

His sister studied him for another moment before closing the gap between them and wrapping her arms around him, squeezing tightly. 

“Just don’t do this again, please,” She mumbled against his shirt and Eren simply returned the hug and gave a weak nod.

Finally, Mikasa pulled away, her nose wrinkled in disgust. “You smell really bad, by the way. How much did you have to drink?”

“Too much,” Eren replied, taking the opportunity to escape to the bathroom for a much needed shower.

After his shower, he tossed his dirty clothes into the laundry hamper in his room and began replying to his friends’ texts, letting them know he was fine. Or at least, alive. His head still ached and he knew he should eat something but he wasn’t hungry so he finished his water and laid in his bed, stretching his body out over the double mattress, taking up as much space as he could to make it feel less empty.

His body was sore in ways it hadn’t been in a long time. He and Reiner hadn’t made love very often, opting for hand jobs or oral in lieu of penetrative sex. It was strangely pleasant, he realized, having physical proof of their intimacy. He licked his lips, running his fingers over the bruises on his thighs. Levi hadn’t been rough, necessarily, but needy and passionate in a way he’d never experienced before. He could see that kind of lovemaking becoming addictive, more so than the pills they had taken.

He felt a new ache in his chest at that thought, realizing he would probably never see Levi again. He didn’t even know the man’s last name to look him up and he couldn’t just show up at his place unannounced. Eren rolled over, chewing his bottom lip thoughtfully. Levi clearly had quite a few issues that he couldn’t afford to get caught up in anyway, he told himself. And besides, these kinds of encounters were meant to be a one-time thing; a dirty little secret, something exciting and forbidden for him to look back on.

Eren recovered by Monday morning and went to his classes as usual the rest of the week, working his evening shifts at the hardware store and coming home only to throw on a pair of sweatpants or gym shorts and lounge on the couch before bed. After a painfully uneventful week, Armin, Jean and Marco invited him to a movie Friday night. He was about to decline when he recalled Mikasa’s words last weekend about moving on with life and he sighed, texting Armin back to let them know he would go.

Realizing he didn’t have any clean clothes, he hopped off the couch and grabbed his laundry hamper, carrying it down to the basement of the apartment building where the washing machines were located. He tossed his clothes into the washer, digging through his pockets first to make sure he hadn’t left any valuables or anything that might ruin his clothes in them, a lesson he learned after that one time he’d forgotten a Sharpie in his pants.

He found a crumpled piece of paper in the back pocket of a pair of jeans and frowned, unfolding it to find a messily scrawled phone number. His heart pounded in his chest as he stared at the paper for a few moments, knowing he should throw it away but finding himself unable to. Levi hadn’t been bluffing, he really had wanted to see Eren again and must've slipped the number into his pocket when they'd said their goodbyes. 

Levi had been in his head most of the week, if Eren was being honest with himself. Beyond the mind blowing sex they’d had, there was something about the dark-haired man that intrigued him. Sure, he was clearly a very flawed individual, but Eren could tell there was a good person under that tough exterior. Levi was a diamond in the rough that Eren wanted to unearth, to touch and discover.

He pulled out his phone and copied the number into it, sending a quick text that read, _‘Hey, it’s Eren.’_

He went to the movies with his friends as planned, checking his phone every now and then throughout the evening, feeling more disheartened each time when there was still no reply. Perhaps he’d made Levi wait too long. The man probably had plenty of other people to spend his time with; people more exciting than Eren.

The movie had managed to distract him for a few hours, but afterward when the four of them were walking through the parking lot, he felt his mood drop again. Jean and Marco laughed together, discussing their favourite scenes, while Armin trailed behind them with Eren, taking note of his unusual silence.

“Are you okay? You’ve been kind of off all night,” The blonde observed.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired,” Eren said, lying off the top of his head, “I was up too late last night studying.”

Armin gave him a suspicious look, and Eren realized it was a bad lie since he rarely studied, but the blonde thankfully let the subject drop with a shrug. “Alright then.”

“Hey guys, we have enough time for a few rounds of pool,” Jean said over his shoulder. “Whaddaya say?”

Armin agreed enthusiastically and Eren bit back a sigh, knowing he would just be called a killjoy if he declined and inconvenienced everyone by making them drive him home. He sat quietly in the back, staring out the window as they made their way downtown. Just as they pulled into the parking lot of the pool hall, Eren’s phone buzzed in his pocket. His breath caught in his throat and he tried not to look too excited as he opened it and read Levi’s reply.

_‘Hey, I was beginning to think you were ghosting me.’_

Another one popped up immediately.

_‘Do you want to hang out?’_

Eren appreciated how straightforward Levi was. Most men tended to be so indecisive and it was nice to feel sure that his company was wanted for once. Without thinking, he answered, _‘sure, I’m not too far from your place actually.’_

“Eren,” Armin called and Eren looked up to see his friends all waiting for him at the doors. “Are you coming?”

Eren glanced down at his phone and then back at the others before shaking his head. “Nah, I don’t feel good. I think I’ll call it a night.”

“Do you want a ride home?” Marco asked, looking concerned, much to Jean’s annoyance.

“He can get a cab or something,” Jean said to his boyfriend before turning back to Eren. “Right, Eren?”

“Yeah, no worries,” He replied easily. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Text me when you get home,” Armin said, his brows furrowed, and Eren gave him a reassuring smile and a nod. Once they were inside, he checked his phone again to read the newest message.

_‘How soon can you get here?’_


	3. No Strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter is brought to you by the song "Fuck Away the Pain" by Divide the Day**

Eren nearly got lost on his walk to Levi’s apartment, finding it hard to remember exactly what street it had been on. After taking two wrong turns he finally managed to stumble upon the old house.

He heard music thumping through the thin walls the moment he walked in the front door and it only grew louder as he made his way upstairs. Levi had told him to just come in, so he turned the handle and stepped into the small apartment, finding it full of people. Some were in the kitchen, rummaging through a utensil drawer, two in the bathroom and he could see several more sitting in the cluttered bedroom of Levi’s roommate. The only door that was closed was Levi’s and he knocked on it just as a tall, bespectacled person staggered up to him.

“Hey, are you Levi’s friend?” They asked, an unnerving grin on their face. They had an entire bottle of vodka held in one hand, uncapped, and took a large sip as they waited for him to reply.

“Uh, yeah, is he—”

“He’s in my room right now. I’m Hanji and you’re Eren, right? Are you drinking?”

Eren was taken aback by how quickly and excitedly they spoke and shook his head weakly. Hanji then thrust the bottle into his hand and clapped him on the back.

“Well, drink up, Buck-o! There’s no room for party poopers tonight!”

Eren hesitantly lifted the bottle to his mouth and took a swig. The vodka was cheap and tasted like rubbing alcohol and he gagged a little as it went down.

“Ugh,” He muttered, wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve.

“Have a few more, you’ll get used to it. You’ve gotta catch up with everyone anyway. We’ve been at this since yesterday. Or Wednesday?” They frowned for a moment in confusion, but quickly shrugged it off. “Well, anyway, any friend of Levi’s is a friend of mine, so you can keep that for yourself. I’ve got something else in the freezer.”

They disappeared into the kitchen, leaving Eren standing alone in front of Levi’s door with half a bottle of warm vodka. Bracing himself, he took another sip just as Levi stepped out of Hanji’s room. He was rubbing at his nose and sniffling when he looked up and spotted Eren, his face breaking into a smile.

“Hey,” He greeted, walking over and eyeing the bottle Eren was holding. “I guess you met Hanji. They’re my roommate and a fucking pain in my ass.”

“Don’t forget ‘best friend in the whole wide world,’” Hanji reminded him as they returned with an icy cold bottle of whiskey, throwing an arm around Levi’s shoulders. The dark-haired man feigned a look of annoyance that made Eren smile.

“Sorry I wasn’t here to meet you last time. I went out on Thursday night and woke up all the way over in Trost. No idea how I got there, but I didn’t get home until Sunday,” They told Eren with a laugh.

“Sounds like… fun?” Eren tried and Hanji laughed some more.

“Oh, it was! I made some new friends, new memories—”

“Like you actually remember anything,” Levi cut them off with a wry smirk.

Hanji just cackled, ruffling Levi’s hair before turning away and heading back to their room, giving Eren a wave over their shoulder. “Have fun you two. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

“Well, that leaves us with plenty of options,” Levi muttered, sliding past Eren to open his bedroom door. He waited for Eren to follow him inside and then closed it behind them. 

Eren got a better look of the room this time around, now that he wasn’t a hungover mess. It was on the smaller side with a queen sized mattress on the floor fitted with crisp, clean looking blue sheets and a well-worn gray blanket. 

There was a dresser that looked as old as the house in one corner and a small shelf with a few books, comics and random knick knacks in the other. The single-hung window was covered by some plastic blinds, a few of the slats cracked and broken and the floor was the same peeling linoleum as in the hall.

It definitely wasn’t much but like last time, it looked clean, unlike the rest of the apartment currently did. Levi was lighting a cigarette and gestured to the bed for Eren to sit on while he stood by the window, leaning against the wall.

“Sorry, no chairs,” Levi said with a one-shouldered shrug.

“It’s fine,” Eren replied, sitting with his knees to his chest and taking another sip of vodka.

“So what were you doing around here?” Levi asked, exhaling a puff of smoke out the window. “I mean, you don’t look like you live in the area.”

“Uh, I don’t.” Eren didn’t know what the man meant by that. He was dressed in a pair of dark-wash jeans, a black bomber jacket thrown over a t-shirt, white trainers on his feet and a grey beanie pulled over his hair. He took in Levi’s combat boots, torn jeans and white wife-beater. He supposed even his casual clothes were in better shape than what he’d seen everyone else here wearing. “I live over in Shiganshina.”

“Oh, you go to the university?” Levi asked, reaching out the window to tap the ash from his smoke.

Eren nodded, taking another sip from the bottle, feeling himself becoming warmer and more at ease.

“What’s your major?”

“Art.”

Levi’s brows rose and his lips turned upward, looking both impressed and amused. “Oh? Well, that’s something.”

Eren laughed. “I know, my dad’s pissed about it. He’s a doctor. He thinks it’s a waste of time and his money, but I’m not really smart or good at anything else.”

“So, you draw? Paint?”

“I draw, mostly pencil and charcoal,” Eren told him.

Levi smiled, flicking the finished cigarette out the window before squatting down to join Eren on the bed. He reached for the bottle and took a generous gulp before handing it back and wiping his lips with the pad of his thumb.

“I was a history major. Didn’t finish obviously or I probably wouldn’t be here right now,” He noted wryly. “Got caught up in other shit and dropped out.”

Eren didn’t know what to say and Levi looked lost for a moment, his eyes focused on nothing in particular. The shorter man blinked after a moment, coming back from wherever his mind had wandered off to. “If you don’t learn from history, it’s doomed to repeat itself,” He said cryptically, giving Eren another one of those charming smirks.

Grey eyes lowered to study Eren’s lips and the brunet felt his cheeks flush, turning away and bringing the bottle up for another swig, hoping the alcohol would soothe the sudden nervousness he felt. When he chanced another look at the shorter man, he was still watching him with a mixture of fondness and hunger. It was a look that managed to make Eren’s whole body flush and he swallowed hard.

Levi took the bottle from Eren and placed it on the floor before cupping the brunet’s face in his hands and kissing him. He tasted like tobacco with an underlying hint of peppermint and traces of the vodka he just drank, but Eren didn’t mind, leaning into the touch and allowing the man’s tongue to explore his mouth. 

His heart was pounding in his chest and he was unsure of what to do with his hands so they remained clenched in his lap. He hadn’t realized he was frowning in concentration, trying to mimic the movements of Levi’s lips and tongue with his own until the other man pulled away, eyeing him curiously. Eren consciously relaxed his face, feeling the blush on his cheeks deepen.

“You okay?” Levi asked.

“Mhm,” Eren hummed, nodding. The alcohol had begun to seep into his bloodstream, making his brain feel a little foggy, but not enough that he was as carefree as he’d been last time.

“Do you want a line?” 

Eren blinked, not comprehending the question at first, then he remembered seeing Levi crushing up that pill and snorting it. He had enjoyed the way it felt when he used the first time, in fact, he hadn’t felt that happy since, and Levi said it worked even faster if you snorted it.

“I don’t know…” Eren replied, reaching up to rub the back of his neck. “I probably shouldn’t.”

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he mumbled an apology as he pulled it out to check the new text. He assumed it was from Armin since he’d forgotten to send him one, but the name he saw made his stomach drop.

_‘Hey, I just wanted to check in and see how you’ve been doing’_

Levi got up from the bed and was crushing up another white pill on a plate when the second text came.

_‘Can we talk? I hope you don’t hate me. I still want us to be friends’_

Eren scoffed loudly as Levi returned to his spot beside him, plate in his lap. He glanced over at the brunet and asked, “What’s wrong?”

Eren ran a hand over his face and sighed. “My ex wants to talk to me.”

“Oh,” Levi replied simply, pausing to inhale a small line through a shortened straw. He blinked a few times, scrunching his nose. “You wanna talk to them?”

“No, the asshole left me for a friend of ours,” Eren snapped, and then took a deep breath to calm himself. “I had a feeling for a long time that there was something between them, but he always reassured me that it was nothing. Then just a few weeks ago he suddenly texts me saying we should take a break. I only found out from another friend that he was seeing someone else. He didn’t even tell me.”

Levi made a face and shook his head. “Wow, a break up text. That’s about as low as it gets. So, he cheated on you?”

He handed the plate to Eren who took it without thinking. He looked down at the powdery substance that had been scraped into neat little lines, the straw resting on the other side. 

“I don’t know,” Eren sighed. “I don’t think so, Reiner’s not like that. I think he broke it off before they actually got together. Still feels like cheating, though, knowing he was in love with someone else for so long.”

Levi gave a bitter laugh, which surprised Eren, who looked over to see him shaking his head again. “That really sucks. I mean, I’ve been there, so I know how it feels.”

Before Eren had a chance to ask about it, Levi’s hand was on him, slipping under his shirt and rubbing slow circles along his lower back. He rested his chin on Eren’s shoulder and gave him a suggestive smile.

“I can help you forget about him for a little while,” He said in a low voice that sent a shiver down Eren’s spine. He picked up the straw with his free hand and held it out to Eren, who eyed it warily. Taking a deep breath, he grabbed the straw and lifted the plate, inhaling one of the smaller lines of powder.

It burned, making his eyes water and he gave a weak cough as he pulled away, rubbing at his nose. Levi took the plate and set it down before pressing himself against Eren, forcing him back onto the mattress, his lips on Eren’s neck and a thigh wedged between his legs. 

The drugs hit him faster this time, and he felt a rush of euphoria course through his veins, like a warm energy spreading out from his center to his fingers and toes. That switch was flipped again and he suddenly felt content, care-free and self-assured, the opposite of how he’d felt only moments ago.

“God,” He panted against Levi’s mouth as the shorter man ground his thigh against his rapidly growing erection.

Levi only moaned in agreement. Their clothing was frantically removed piece by piece, the two of them too hot to leave anything on, and Eren gave an embarrassing yelp when Levi picked him up under his legs and tossed him further on to the bed. He was weirdly strong for such a petite guy.

Eren noticed the bottle of lube and a strip of condoms already on the bed, as Levi’s mouth descended onto his chest and stomach, hungrily sucking red marks into his skin. The shorter man reached out for the lube, dripping a generous amount over his fingers and then his lips were around Eren’s cock, slick appendages sliding between his cheeks.

The brunet arched and moaned, clapping a hand over his mouth to muffle the sound. “Wait!” He gasped, pushing himself onto his elbows and Levi pulled back, looking flushed and confused.

“What’s wrong? Did you want to top this time?”

“No, it’s just— there’s so many people out there,” Eren tried to whisper, but he was having a hard time controlling the volume of his voice with it trembling like it was. “What if someone walks in or they hear us?”

Levi followed Eren’s worried gaze toward the door and then turned back with a grin. “They know better than that. No one’s allowed in here or I’ll kick their ass.” 

He soothingly caressed Eren’s stomach, the pleasant touch causing the muscles to twitch beneath his heated skin. “And as for overhearing us, everyone is too fucked up right now to even understand the person next to them, let alone hear what’s going on in another room.”

The bass from the stereo system in Hanji’s room thudded through the walls reassuringly and Eren nodded, laying back down and letting Levi continue where he left off. 

When he finally entered him, they both groaned in relief and Levi wasted no time in fucking him, snapping his hips hard and fast against Eren’s ass, quickly reducing the brunet to a trembling mess. His hands roamed, seeking purchase on Levi’s arms and back, nails digging into his skin in a way that would have been painful if he was not already so far gone.

His cock leaked against his stomach as Levi pressed harder against him, folding him in half until his knees were on either side of his head. Eren moaned loudly, uncaring now if anyone heard him. Levi’s hand wrapped around him, pumping him in time with each thrust, from base to tip and Eren threw his head back, panting harshly as his orgasm began to build.

“Do you feel good?” Levi asked breathlessly, sweat dripping from his brow onto Eren’s chest.

“Yes, fuck yes,” Eren gasped, twisting his hands into the sheets.

“Who’s fucking you this good?” The man asked then, punctuating the question with a grunt and rough slam of his hips.

Eren sobbed, his toes curling, abdomen clenching tightly, hair splayed wildly as he thrashed his head against the pillow. “You—you are!”

“Say my name, Eren! Come for me and say my name,” Levi demanded through gritted teeth, hips still moving relentlessly, his cock striking the other man’s prostate with every thrust.

“Levi!” He cried out, voice cracking as his body tensed and he came hard, drops of come splattering against his own cheek, over his chest and stomach. “Levi, Levi, Levi,” He chanted mindlessly as he was assaulted with wave after wave of bliss.

The other man’s hips stuttered and stilled as he came with a low, drawn-out moan, fingers digging into Eren’s thighs.

They collapsed against the mattress together, their sweat soaking into the sheets. After taking a moment to catch his breath, Levi reached for his t-shirt, using it to clean up the mess on Eren’s face and torso before tossing it into the hamper across the room. 

He rolled onto his side to face Eren, chin propped in his hand as he gazed fondly at the thoroughly wrecked-looking brunet. “Any time you need to forget about that Reiner guy, I’ll be more than happy to help,” He said with a smirk.

Eren licked his lips, tilting his head to look up at the other man and laughed, “Reiner who?”


	4. Lowlife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter song: "Lowlife" by That Poppy**

Eren took a long drag off the cigarette held between his shaking fingers as he walked. When he’d taken his first puff from one of Levi’s cigarettes, he’d hated the taste of it, but liked how it calmed his nerves and gradually, a habit developed. Not the worst of his recently acquired habits, but definitely the most obvious. He butted it out several minutes before he returned home, but the smoke clung to his clothes, hair and mouth. Mikasa noticed it right away.

“You’re smoking now?” She asked in disbelief, pulling away from their usual ‘welcome home’ hug with a shocked look on her face. “When did that start?”

Mikasa had been having trouble keeping tabs on Eren over the past few weeks. He was rarely home now, spending most of his time at his new boyfriend’s, whom she had yet to meet. She tried not to let her anxiety show, but Eren could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice every time they spoke on the phone.

“It’s just a smoke here and there, Mikasa, don’t worry about it,” He said irritably, brushing her off and making his way to his room. She followed behind, concern written on her face. She watched as he pulled his backpack from his shoulders and began stuffing some clean clothes inside it. 

“You shouldn’t smoke at all, Eren,” She said softly from the doorway.

“And you should just lay off for once,” He snapped loudly, standing straight and running a hand through his disheveled hair. There was a faint pang of guilt in his gut when he saw the hurt in her eyes and he sighed, zipping up the bag again before pushing past her and heading to the bathroom.

Again, she trailed behind him, watching him rummage through the medicine cabinet. He inspected each bottle of pills, then glanced over his shoulder at her.

“Do we still have those leftover percocet from when I had that surgery on my foot?” He asked, and at the confused look Mikasa gave him, explained, “Levi hurt his back helping a friend move and I figure they might help him. Oh, here they are.”

He shoved the bottle into the front pocket of his bag and went into the living room, packing up the PS4 Mikasa had gotten him last Christmas. Feeling his sister’s eyes on him still, he muttered, “I’m gonna show Levi the newest Resident Evil game. He hasn’t played it yet.”

She said nothing, simply giving a weak nod in response.

“Are you hungry?” She asked, still hovering nearby. “I can make some homemade ramen. I’ve got the stock in the fridge.”

Eren shook his head. “No, I’m good. Thanks.” 

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten a real meal, now that he thought of it. Lately, he mostly lived off fast food and snacks from the convenience store near Levi’s place. If his sister noticed the way his clothing hung more loosely on him, (which he knew she did because she was perceptive as hell), she didn’t say anything, thankfully.

“Well,” Mikasa tried again, sounding strained, and Eren could sense the anxiety she was feeling. It was suffocating even to him and he wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. 

“Why don’t you invite your boyfriend over for dinner tomorrow night? He’s welcome here, you know. You don’t always need to go to his place. Armin will be here too. You haven’t seen him in a while.”

“I know, Mikasa,” Eren replied, sounding exasperated. “I’ve just been busy, working and studying and stuff.” 

In reality, he hadn’t been to any of his classes in two weeks and had been fired from his job at the hardware store for missing too many shifts without an explanation. The truth was, he spent most of his time cooped up in Levi’s apartment, getting high with him and Hanji and whoever else happened to stop by.

He stood up, slinging the heavy bag over his shoulder. They stared at each other for a moment and the hopefulness in Mikasa’s eyes was too much for him to take, so he nodded.

“Okay, I’ll bring him over for dinner tomorrow,” He lied, knowing Levi wouldn’t feel comfortable meeting his sister and friend. He’d already expressed that he hated being looked down on and Eren knew Mikasa and Armin would do just that.

Mikasa smiled, unfolding her arms from her chest and wrapping them around Eren, who returned the hug weakly, one arm around her shoulders.

“I miss you, you know. It’s like you don’t even live here anymore,” She sighed. “I hope he’s good to you.”

Eren swallowed, forcing a smile of his own. “He is.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie. Levi was head over heels for Eren just as the brunet was for him. The relationship had progressed incredibly fast, from casual fucking to drunken confessions of love after only a week or two. Levi had looked over at Eren one night, the two of them lost together in a haze of alcohol and benzos, and said, “I think I love you,” and Eren’s heart felt like it might burst out of his chest as he’d replied, “I love you, too, Levi.”

If it felt nice, and they both clearly needed it, how bad could it be? Levi always made sure his needs were met, sexually and emotionally, which was something Eren hadn’t experienced in a long time, if ever. He also shared different kinds of drugs with him, powders that would wake him up, pills to calm him down, and others substances that took him somewhere else entirely. 

He never asked for anything in return besides his company, but Eren had begun helping to pay for the drugs with whatever money he had leftover from his last paycheck, after giving Mikasa his share of the rent. How he was going to pay next month’s, he wasn’t sure, but he would worry about that later.

“I should get going,” Eren said, pulling away from the hug and moving around his sister towards the door. 

“See you tomorrow?” She asked, and Eren gave a curt nod before disappearing out the door again.

Back at Levi’s apartment, the dark-haired man was pacing in his room, cigarette hanging from his lips, his shirtless torso gleaming with a layer of sweat. Eren walked in, dropping the bag on the floor and tossing Levi the bottle of percocet.

“Will these help?” He asked, but Levi was already opening the bottle and hurriedly crushing one right on the dresser, leaving small dents in the wood. He snorted one long line before handing the straw over to Eren, who did the other.

It took the edge off, but Eren knew he needed something stronger. It had been two days without anything but a small bottle of peach schnapps that someone left on the coffee table and Levi had begun to suffer from withdrawals. Eren was feeling the effects as well, though not to the same extent as his boyfriend. He was clammy and irritable, but Levi was dripping sweat, dizzy and nauseous, complaining of pain in his legs.

“This isn’t going to cut it,” The shorter man grumbled, crushing up another one. “Hanji still isn’t back, and there’s nothing in their room. I’ve checked three times now.”

Hanji tended to be their main supply source. They made most of the runs, ever sociable, and always seemed to be able to get their hands on any kind of drug, even when they were broke. Levi never wanted to ask what they were paying with, simply thankful that they shared.

Eren unzipped his backpack and showed Levi the gaming console that was tucked inside. “How much could you get for this?” He asked.

Something like relief flashed in Levi’s eyes and he grabbed the brunet by the front of his shirt, crushing their mouths together. 

“Fuck, I love you,” He said when he pulled away and Eren’s cheeks flushed in pleasure.

Eren told Levi to rest and made the trip to the pawn shop on his own. Once he had a pocket full of cash, he headed to one of their dealers, buying several speed pills and two OxyContin, which Eren had quickly learned was Levi’s drug of choice.

They used speed when partying and Oxy’s any other time for the more mellow buzz the narcotic provided. They were ridiculously expensive and would only last them about two days, if that, but Eren handed over the money without hesitation, his own need for a fix drowning out any logical thoughts.

On his walk back to Levi’s, he stopped in at the liquor store, spending his last twenty dollars on a bottle of cheap whiskey. When he entered the apartment bearing the gifts he’d bought, Levi met him at the door, snatching the baggy from Eren’s hand. 

Eren followed his boyfriend to the bedroom, uncapping the whiskey and sipping at it as he watched Levi grate half of a small green pill onto a plate with a microplane. He managed to make fairly neat, even lines, despite his hand shaking and quickly snorted his share. Eren took his as well and they laid back on the bed together, the shorter man sighing in relief as the feeling of euphoria hit him, washing away his aches and pains.

Levi pulled Eren against him, pressing his lips into the younger man’s hair and muttering thank you’s. Eren just smiled and snuggled in closer, uncaring of the cool sweat that coated his boyfriend’s chest.

“My sister wants to meet you,” Eren finally said, after several minutes of silence.

“I’m not the kind of guy you bring home to meet family,” Levi replied simply, staring up at the ceiling with heavy-lidded eyes. “She wouldn’t like me.”

Eren didn’t disagree. Mikasa was a very morally righteous person and would look down on Levi the moment she discovered that he had no real job, no education and lived in this area of town. 

“You’re not a bad guy, Levi,” Eren murmured, pressing a kiss to the man’s cheek.

“I’m not a good one either,” Levi said with that wry smirk of his. “She’d tell you that you deserve better. And she’d be right.”

Eren frowned at that, pulling away enough to look down at his boyfriend. “I don’t want anyone else. I want you. _I love you,_ Levi. I think you're perfect and if people can’t see what I see in you, then fuck ‘em.”

Levi laughed softly, pulling Eren back down against him and hugging him tightly to his chest. They laid like that for the better part of an hour, relaxed and euphoric in each other’s arm, hands gently roaming and caressing.

“Feel better?” Eren eventually asked, breaking the silence.

“Good as new,” Levi replied, lifting himself into a sitting position. “I really need a shower, though.” He climbed off the bed and headed for the door, pausing to ask over his shoulder, “You coming?”

Eren got up and followed without hesitation. They undressed each other and turned on the shower, making the water a comfortable temperature before stepping into the tub. Eren took pleasure in washing Levi, rubbing the soapy lather over his smooth, pale skin, feeling along every groove of muscle and bone. They scrubbed each other’s hair and rinsed clean before embracing, and slotting their lips together, tongues lapping hungrily at the other's. Eren pressed Levi back against the cool tile wall, grinding their hips together, the two of them sighing in pleasure.

Eren's hands trailed down the shorter man's back, roughly cupping and kneading the firm cheeks of his ass and Levi hummed contentedly, nipping at the brunet's lips. He grasped Eren's length, stroking it to it's full hardness before breaking the kiss and turned to face the wall, arching his back enticingly. Taking the hint, Eren slid his wet fingers inside him, taking his time with the stretching until Levi was a groaning mess, begging him to hurry and fuck him.

The way they made love on opiates was different than it had been on methamphetamine. It wasn't as frantic, but more relaxed and passionate. Eren pressed his chest to Levi’s back, wrapping his arms around the shorter man’s torso, and rocked against him, pressing inside with slow, deep thrusts. He mouthed at Levi’s neck and shoulders, muffling his own moans and sucking hickies into the damp flesh.

Levi ground against him, throwing his head back and panting with every brush of Eren’s cock against his sweet spot. The taller man slid a hand down Levi’s slick abdomen, gripping his arousal and pumping it with long, even strokes. His other hand rubbed at the man’s chest, gently teasing and pinching his nipples.

Levi let out a choked gasp, “Gonna come.”

Eren groaned in response, his thrusts becoming rougher and quicker, “Me too.”

“Inside, come inside me,” Levi demanded breathlessly and that was all it took to push Eren over the edge, his eyes rolling back and hips stuttering. He bit down on Levi’s shoulder as he filled him, and Levi moaned at the sensation, his muscles clenching tightly, spurts of his come painting the shower wall.

Their bodies went slack together as they caught their breath, Eren hugging Levi tightly against him as they savoured the post-orgasmic haze. Forehead resting on the cool tile, Levi hissed as Eren slid out of him. The brunet took a moment to rinse his boyfriend clean again, washing away the come that dripped down his thighs before turning off the valve. He took Levi by the hand, leading him out of the shower and handing him a ragged, yet clean towel to dry off with. 

“You should just move in with me,” Levi said abruptly as he wrapped the towel around his slim waist. 

He phrased it as a statement but Eren knew he was asking. He paused to stare at the other man who was wiping the fog from the mirror and finger combing his damp hair. He had pretty much lived there for the better part of the last two weeks anyway, but hearing Levi ask him to officially move in made his heart flutter. Levi met his eyes in the mirror, looking at him expectantly.

“Okay,” Eren replied with a shy grin, throwing the towel over his head to dry his hair and hide the blush on his cheeks.

The next day, while Levi was out, Eren smoked his last quarter of a pill and impulsively sent his sister a text telling her the news. She was calling him only moments later, shouting at him from the other side.

“What do you mean you’re _‘moving out?’_ ” She demanded angrily. 

“What the hell do you think it means?” Eren shot back irritably, the tone of the conversation dampening his buzz. “Levi asked me to move in and I said yes. I can’t live with my sister forever.”

“Eren, you can’t do this. Not on such short notice. The rent is due in two days and I can’t afford it on my own. Are you going to pay rent here _and_ there?”

Eren blinked slowly, staring up at the ceiling, his brain trapped in an opiate fog. He wasn’t even sure how he was going to pitch in rent at Levi’s apartment, which was considerably cheaper than Mikasa’s. Levi bounced at a nearby club on weekends and would often take odd jobs around town, working under the table to make ends meet and maybe Eren could join him, but there was no way he would be able to give Mikasa anything.

“Ask dad to help you,” He finally replied.

“What is going on with you?” Mikasa cried in exasperation. “You never wanted to ask dad for help and now you’re telling me to go to him for rent money? Do you know the lecture he’s going to give me? That he should be giving _you!_ ”

Eren sighed, rolling over on his and Levi’s bed, feeling sleepy and uncaring. “I love him, Mikasa, and we’re happy, and I’m moving in with him. That’s it,” He mumbled, feeling his eyes close.

“You sound ridiculous,” Mikasa snapped, then she sighed as well, her voice softening. “I’m worried about you, Eren. Please tell me what’s going on?”

“Nothin’. Need’a sleep.”

“I take it you’re not coming for dinner tonight either?” She asked thickly, feeling tears stinging at her eyes. The only answer she received was silence as the call disconnected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment if you like this, so that I know people are reading! Thank you <3


	5. Ugly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter song: Ugly by Jaira Burns**

Eren was officially moved in within the next two days. He had asked Jean to help him move his stuff with his dad’s SUV and made him swear that he wouldn’t tell Mikasa or Armin where the place was, or else he would tell Marco how Jean wet the bed until he was thirteen.  
  
“Fine, whatever,” Jean had grumbled as they drove from Mikasa’s apartment to Levi’s, the back of the SUV stuffed with all of Eren’s possessions, which turned out wasn’t much. He’d sold his bed and dresser for cheap, because he wouldn’t need them, and made a nice chunk of cash that he and Levi had quickly blown that same night.

“Why don’t you want them to know where you’ll be living?” The sandy-haired man asked when they stopped at a red light.

“I’ll tell them eventually,” Eren lied. “I just don’t want Levi to get overwhelmed when they want to come and visit.”

Jean gave him a weird look. “What does this guy _do,_ exactly? Mikasa says you’ve been really secretive about him. What is he, an illegal immigrant? An undercover CIA agent? Is he an assassin?”

Eren gave his long-time friend an amused look. “If I told you…” He began, taking a dramatic pause as he looked out the window.  “He’d have to kill you.”

Jean snorted. “He’s probably just really ugly or something.”  
  
Eren whipped his head around, looking offended. “Fuck you! My boyfriend is hot as shit!”  
  
“I don’t believe you,” Jean drawled. “He’s probably a wrinkled little old man.”

The smirk on his face fell and he turned a rare, serious gaze on the brunet. “Oh, my god, Eren... do you have a sugar daddy?”

“No!” Eren snapped, shoving at Jean’s shoulder. “He’s just... a very private person.”

“So, he’s crazy?”

“Jean, _I swear to god,_ I’m this close to calling Marco and telling him about the Goodnites underpants you used to wear on our sleepovers.”

“Fuck you.”

Once they reached Levi’s place, Jean pulled over and cut the engine, looking up at the old house, wrinkling his nose as he eyed the rotting front steps, the cracked windows and the broken gutters hanging from the roof.

“Is this a joke?” He asked, glancing at Eren who was already unbuckling his seatbelt. “This place looks like it should be condemned.”

Eren didn’t argue with that and simply shrugged before stepping out of the SUV and making his way around the back to pop the hatch. Jean undid his own buckle and climbed out of the driver’s seat in time to see a lanky brunet with glasses and a shorter, dark-haired man step out the front door.

“There isn’t much,” Eren told them, gesturing to the few items in the back. There was a suitcase with his clothes, a laptop bag, a few large textbooks and an artist portfolio. Hanji was already grabbing the suitcase and lugging it inside while Levi stood next to Eren, looking Jean up and down with steely eyes.

“Hey, you must be Levi,” Jean said, only slightly put off by the man’s gaze as he slapped on his most charming grin. “I’m Jean, Eren’s B-F-F. I’m sure he’s mentioned me.” Jean gave Eren’s shoulder a light smack with the back of his hand and the brunet rolled his eyes, a small smirk tugging at his mouth.

Levi looked unamused as he gave a half-assed shrug before reaching into the back of the SUV and slinging the laptop bag over his shoulder and gathering the heavy textbooks in his arms, turning to head back into the house. Eren draped the strap of the art portfolio across his chest, slamming the hatch of the SUV closed.

“What’s his problem?” Jean asked with a sneer as he watched the shorter man disappear into the dilapidated house. “Is he like, a serial killer? Is that why he lives here and you don’t want anyone to know about him?”

“He’s just shy,” Eren said with another roll of his eyes. “He can also smell bullshit from a mile away and you always reek of it.”

Jean actually looked offended at that. “What the hell’s going on with you, man? I was being nice and he was just an asshole. It must be rubbing off on you too, because you’re becoming a total prick. I wasn’t gonna say anything, but how could you fuck over Mikasa like that?” At Eren’s downcast expression, Jean continued, “Yeah, she told me. She’s so worried about you. I told her you were probably just too caught up in a new relationship, but now I’m getting worried too. What’s going on?”

It was so unlike Jean to be serious about anything and Eren swallowed hard, shifting uncomfortably as he tried to come up with a reply.

“Nothing’s going on,” He finally said, unable to meet his friend’s eye. “You’re right. It was a shitty thing to do, and I _did_ get too caught up in this new relationship, but it is what it is. It’s over with now. My dad is helping her this month and then Armin’s taking my room. She’ll be fine.”  
  
“What about _you?”_ Jean asked, genuine concern on his face. “Are you gonna be fine? I mean—This looks like a crackhouse, Eren.”

Eren glanced at the house and shrugged, adjusting the straps on his shoulders. “It’s not that bad.”

There was a long pause, Jean shoving his hands into his pockets, chewing on his lip as he thought of how to word his next question.

“Eren, you… Are you…”

“Am I what?” Eren snapped, his eyes finally meeting Jean’s, an angry spark in their depths daring him to go on.

Jean gave a long sigh, looking resigned as he shook his head. “Nothing, nevermind. Text me later or something.”

Eren watched his friend climb into the SUV and take off before heading inside the house. He made his way up to Levi’s apartment, finding the man sitting on the windowsill in his room, smoking a cigarette.

“What’s wrong with you?” Eren demanded, giving his boyfriend a glare as he dropped the bags onto the bed.

“What are you talking about?” Levi flicked the ash out the window, looking unbothered by Eren’s anger.

“Well, you were a total dick to my friend and now he thinks you’re some crazy person,” Eren snapped. “Like my friends aren’t already worried enough about me.”

“Fuck ‘em, right?” Levi replied easily with a careless shrug of his shoulder. “Isn't that what you said? If they can’t see what you see, fuck ‘em!”

Eren threw out his arms in frustration. “You didn’t even  _try_ to be polite!”

“Didn’t know I had to impress anybody,” The shorter man muttered, tossing the finished smoke out the window before leveling his boyfriend with a glare of his own. “He seemed like a douchebag anyway.”

 “Jean _is_ a douchebag,” Eren agreed. “But he’s a good guy and he actually tried to be nice to you. You could have at least said ‘hello!’ Now he’s going to tell Mikasa I’m dating a serial killer.”

Levi snorted at that, looking over the tense lines of Eren’s shoulder as the brunet went to the dresser to begin crushing up a percocet, which was all they had at the moment.

“I need to take a leak,” was all the shorter man said, lifting himself off the windowsill and heading out the door.

Eren shot a dirty look at the man’s back before returning his focus to crushing the pill into a fine powder with the end of his lighter. Once he was satisfied with it, he looked around for the old gym membership card they used to scrape it into lines and then spotted Levi’s wallet on the other side of the dresser, figuring it must be in there.

He picked up the fraying wallet and flipped it open, scanning through the cards when his eyes caught sight of the corner of a small photograph tucked in one of the slots. He carefully slid it out and unfolded it, his brows furrowing in confusion as he took in the image.

It was a picture of a baby, one of those professional ones parents often had done. The baby, who didn’t look older than a year, was sitting up against a white backdrop in a pair of blue overalls, smiling sweetly at the camera. It was a boy, judging by the outfit, and he had big, blue-grey eyes and black hair that reached just past his ears, but the picture was too new for it to be Levi, despite the fact that it looked so much like the man.

When Levi returned a moment later, Eren heard his footsteps slowly come up behind him, and then the wallet and photograph were snatched out of his hands. He turned to face the shorter man, who was already tucking the picture away and then sliding a card from one of the slots, bending down to scrape the powder into lines while pointedly ignoring Eren’s stare.

“Who’s that picture of?” The brunet asked, leaning against the dresser and failing to hide the nervousness in his voice. He swallowed, watching the shorter man snort a long, thick line, his fists clenching and unclenching anxiously at his sides. Levi dropped the straw on the dresser, clearing his throat as he squared his shoulders and finally turned to face the younger man.

“My son,” He said steadily, looking prepared to take on whatever judgements Eren might throw his way.

Eren’s stomach dropped. He’d been dating Levi over a month and had never once seen or heard of the little boy until now.

“You... have a kid?” He asked dumbly.

Levi sighed, pulling out his pack of smokes and popping one between his lips. Eren watched him light it and take a long drag, his heart still pounding in his chest as he waited for an explanation.

“Yeah, I have a kid with my ex,” Levi confirmed, not meeting Eren’s eyes. “It’s a long, shitty story, but I guess I should tell you, hm? Let’s take a seat, you look like you’re about to fall on your ass.”

“Okay, wait,” Eren mumbled, scrambling for the straw and taking the other line, knowing he would need something to calm him and help him deal with this revelation.

They both sat down on the mattress, Levi ashing his cigarette into an empty beer can before he continued.

“My ex’s name is Petra. We dated through high school and then went to college together. We were renting a place but money was tight so we started looking for another roommate and that’s how we met Hanji,” Levi paused, his mouth twisting in bitter amusement.

“We didn’t really party until they came along, and then it was drugs and booze every weekend. Eventually, it got really bad and we both dropped out of school because we couldn’t handle going even a few hours without getting high.

At some point, though, Petra got pregnant and for whatever reason, she wanted to keep it, so she got clean. I did too. We moved into her parent’s basement and the baby was born a few months later.”

Eren watched as Levi swallowed hard, adam’s apple bobbing under his pale skin, before he took another slow drag off his cigarette.

“Her dad gave me a job at his office and Petra took care of the baby and things were good for a while. Then I ran into some old friends downtown one day… and I didn’t come home until late the next night. Petra knew I fucked up and already had my stuff packed. Her mom said the baby doesn’t need a loser for a father and her dad told me not to show up for work anymore.”

Eren’s heart clenched at the glassy look in Levi’s eyes and then he suddenly felt angry that they would hurt him like this when he’d only made one mistake, had just kicked him aside like that when he needed support the most.

“Why didn’t you fight for him? You could have taken them to court for visitation!”

Levi gave another bitter laugh. “Eren, I had nowhere to go. I had no job, no education. I ended up calling Hanji, who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in months, and they were nice enough to let me stay on their couch. I fell headfirst back into drugs because everything else seemed pointless. Getting high is always so fucking easy when everything else is so hard.”

Eren threw an arm around Levi’s shoulders, turning his face to hide his sadness in Levi’s soft, dark hair. Levi dropped his smoke into the beer can, the ember sizzling out in the remaining dregs of alcohol.

“His name is Jonah. I haven’t seen him in over two years now.”

Levi’s voice was soft with hopelessness and melancholy and Eren felt like he’d been punched in the gut, having never heard Levi so unhappy since he’d met the man. He wished there was something he could do to make it all better.

“He looks just like you,” He said lamely, before realizing he was probably only rubbing salt into the wounds.

Levi just nodded, pressing his thumb and forefinger against his eyes. Eren could feel the tension in the man’s body and panicked. He wouldn’t be able to take it if the man broke down, so he looked around for his laptop bag, finding it next to the bookshelf.

“Sorry, we don’t have to talk about it anymore. You wanna watch a movie? I have a bunch saved on my laptop,” He said, already standing and pulling the computer out of it’s protective bag, carrying it over.

“Let’s watch something funny to cheer you up.”

Levi looked up, watching as Eren kicked off his shoes before climbing back onto the mattress, crossing his legs and resting the computer in his lap. He patted the space beside him and Levi smirked, moving to sit beside him, resting his back against the wall. He looked over the younger man’s shoulder as he opened a folder filled with movies and reached up to absentmindedly run his fingers through his boyfriend’s shaggy brown locks.

The opening credits of the movie started and Eren leaned back, resting his head against Levi’s shoulder and sighing contently as the man continued to stroke his hair.  
  
“I’ve lost so many people I cared about,” Levi said softly, his throat tight. “I hope I don’t lose you too.”

Eren looked up at him in surprise, his large teal eyes full of concern. He tilted his head up and kissed Levi firmly on the mouth before pulling away and saying with conviction, “Don’t worry about that, Levi. I’m not going anywhere.”


	6. Happy Pills

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Contrary to the title, this chapter is _not_ happy! It's very heavy and disturbing. Please heed the character death warning.
> 
> Chapter song: Happy Pills by Weathers

Eren felt like one of those spinning tops, the world around him nothing more than a blur of lights, colours and sound. He could hear vague shouting, laughter, and singing outside the bathroom door. 

He laid in the tub, sipping at a lukewarm beer he held in one fist, having just finished shooting up. The empty syringe sat in the sink, along with the spoon he’d dissolved the drug in. 

After barely scraping by for weeks to afford their habit, and having already pawned anything of value, Hanji brought home something different than their usual pills: heroin.

“It’s almost the exact same thing, and you get way more bang for your buck,” they’d said. “Especially if you inject it.”

Levi had been hesitant, having always been grossed out by needles, but they were all desperate and sick from the withdrawals and neither he nor Eren put up much of a fight. Hanji taught them how to shoot up properly and it was downhill from there.

Injecting really was the end of the road, so to speak. Eren had done it all now. He’d swallowed pills, snorted them, smoked them, but nothing felt as pure and intense as injecting a substance directly into his veins. 

The combination of the alcohol and heroin made him feel both heavy and weightless at the same time, as if he was detached from his body, but also weighed down by it.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been in the bathroom for, simply laying in the tub and staring at the stained ceiling before there was a knock at the door. Ignoring it, he drained the bottle of beer and then dropped it carelessly to the floor. The person knocking tried again and again, growing impatient. 

Finally, the lock was popped and Levi barged in, looking as fucked up as Eren felt. He closed the door behind him and leaned against the wall for support.

“Don’t fuckin’ ignore me like that,” He said, his normally intimidating frown softened with intoxication. “You could’ve been dead and I wouldn’t have known.”

Eren just stared up at him with heavy-lidded eyes, unable to think of a reply and Levi looked concerned as he eyed the needle in the sink and then turned back to his boyfriend.

“How much did you do?” He asked, dropping to his knees at the side of the tub, bringing a hand up to cup Eren’s cheek.

“There wasn’t much left,” Eren muttered, enjoying the feel of Levi’s cool fingers on his skin.

“Well, you look about ready to pass out. Here,” Levi pulled a small baggie from his pocket that held a single white pill. He snapped it in two and took one half for himself, pressing the other between Eren’s lips.

Eren swallowed the speed pill without a fight, not really wanting to be pulled out of this mental fog, but if Levi wanted him to, then he would. They stayed like that for several minutes, Eren in the tub and Levi at his side, stroking his face and kissing him lazily as they waited for the effects to kick in.

Suddenly, someone kicked the door in and obnoxious laughter echoed off the bathroom walls. Eren was glad this wasn’t their place; Levi would be livid over the door being broken. Mostly, they were just annoyed at having their private moment interrupted.   
  
“Do you fucking mind?” Levi snapped, turning his best scowl at the intruder.

“I gotta take a piss,” The man shot back, giving a glare of his own. “And I ain’t doin’ it with two faggots in the same room, so get the fuck out.” 

It was like a switch had been flipped; Eren saw red. There were few things that set him off like that slur did. Angry energy was suddenly pumping through his veins, vague annoyance replaced with pure rage and he clambered to his feet.

“What did you just call us?” He demanded, stepping forward, daring the man to repeat himself. Levi stood as well, watching the exchange with interest.

“You heard me,” The man said, a cruel smirk on his face. He leaned out the bathroom door and called loudly to the rest of the party, “Yo, who invited these fags?”

His laugh was cut short as Eren tackled him to the ground, knocking the wind out of him. He straddled the man's chest, giving him no time to defend himself and began wailing on him, blow after blow, feeling his knuckles torn by teeth and the sickening crunch of the man’s nose breaking under his fist. He grunted with the effort, a single-minded intensity going into every punch.

Someone grabbed his shoulder from behind and he swung his arm back instinctively, feeling his elbow crack against someone’s skull. The new attacker refused to release his shirt, so Eren turned to face them but when he did, he only saw Levi standing over him, licking the blood from his split lip.

“That’s enough,” He said and Eren felt his rage drain away as quickly as it had come. He looked down at the man he’d beaten, stunned to see that his face was swollen, bloody and hardly recognizable. Levi helped him to his feet and they watched the man roll onto his side, spitting out blood and a couple of yellowed teeth onto the floor.

“What the hell happened?” Asked Hanji, appearing out of the small crowd of people that had congregated in the hall to watch. They looked from Eren and Levi, down at the crumpled man on the floor and back before groaning, “Levi, what did you do that for?” 

Levi gave a breathy laugh. “Wasn’t me,” He answered, eyeing Eren with a mixture of pride and amusement, not registering the brunet’s distraught expression.

Eren’s fists clenched at his sides, his shoulders slumped and he turned to leave, squeezing through the throng of people and out the front door. He was already walking down the dimly lit street, head hanging low and hands stuffed in his pockets by the time Levi and Hanji caught up to him.

“Hey, what’s the matter?” Levi asked, pulling at Eren’s shoulder. The brunet just shrugged him off and continued on his way home.

“He’s upset, Levi,” Hanji pointed out the obvious. They looked over at Eren and said, “He must have deserved it. Don’t feel too bad.”

Eren grit his teeth and shook his head. He’d spent most of his teen years in and out of anger management programs and had finally gotten a handle on his emotions near the end of high school. He could hardly remember the last time he lost control and hurt someone like that. He felt awful.

“Ah, he was a piece of shit! If you hadn’t kicked his ass, I would’ve,” Levi said with a laugh, clapping Eren on the back.

Eren’s temper snapped again and he whirled around to face the shorter man, shouting, “I knocked his fucking teeth out, Levi!”

Levi halted, looking taken aback for a moment before recovering and giving his boyfriend a grin, laughing it off, “So what? They were gonna rot out anyway. If anything, you did him a favour.”

Eren didn’t find the joke funny, simply scowling at the shorter man. "What about you? I hurt you too," He said, pointed at Levi's swollen bottom lip.

Levi waved him off. "I've had worse, don't worry about it."

Eren swallowed, guilt churning in his stomach as he turned around, continuing his trek home. Levi didn’t follow, the smile dropping from his face.

“You know what? Fuck this shit. I’m going back,” He said, loud enough for Eren to hear. “Let me know when you’re done being a little bitch!” 

Hanji looked between their friends as they headed in opposite directions. With a sigh, figuring Levi could handle himself alone better than Eren, they fell into a jog, catching up with the brunet.

The walk home was tense and silent, Eren’s brows furrowed as he stared down at his shoes the whole way. Once they were back in the apartment, Hanji sat down on the busted couch in the living area, patting the seat next to them, indicating for Eren to sit down as well.

“Don’t mind Levi,” They started with a sigh. “He’s not exactly good with _ feelings. _ ”

Eren huffed through his nose. The adrenaline and cold air outside had made his buzz wear off and all he wanted at that moment was to get high. As if reading his mind, Hanji pulled out a small white balloon and dangled it in front of him with a smile on their face.

“On the bright side, we don’t have to share with him now. He can fend for himself tonight.”

Eren gave a weak smile of his own as Hanji began preparing the heroin to be injected. He was thankful they were smart enough to have extra syringes because he’d left his back at the party and hated the idea of sharing.

Once the drugs were injected and the tie off removed, Eren fell back against the cushions, feeling the rush almost instantly. Any lingering anger, sadness or guilt was washed away by a wave of opium and he sighed in relief. To his left, Hanji did the same and they sat like that for a better part of an hour before the lanky brunet spoke up again.

“Wanna talk about why you were so upset?”

Eren shrugged lazily. “I haven’t beat anybody up like that in years. I went through therapy and everything, but tonight I just… lost it.”

Hanji observed him thoughtfully. “Unfortunately, losing things is a risk you take with this lifestyle. You lose weight, you lose money, you lose friends and family, but the worst part is losing yourself.”

Eren turned his hooded gaze on them, frowning. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, the drugs take away who you are. Your dreams, your ambitions, everything. They change you into something you never wanted to be.”

Eren picked at a hole in his jeans, licking at his lips before asking, “If you feel that way, then why do you still do them?”

Hanji gave a bitter laugh. “Because I don’t know anything else anymore. I don’t remember who I was before the drugs. They’re all I’ve got left.”

Eren dropped his head back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling and swallowing hard. He hated thinking about how much his life had changed, how much  _ he _ had changed, in such a short amount of time. Drugs had consumed him.

He’d lost his job, dropped out of school, and hurt his friends and family. He understood what Hanji meant, because the drugs were all he had left, too; and Levi, of course, but Levi and drugs were so interwoven in Eren’s life that they were basically one and the same. 

If he gave up getting high, would he have to give up Levi too? That was a sad thought. He craved them both so badly, needed them like he needed air. He was as much addicted to Levi as he was to the heroin currently running through his veins.

Anxiety suddenly tugged at Eren’s heart. Levi was at that party alone right now. What if that guy and his friends had jumped him? He sat up in a surge of panic and Hanji gave him a questioning look.

“I’m gonna go back and find Levi,” He said, standing up and pulling on his hoodie. “You wanna come?”

Hanij shook their head and waved him off. “Nah, I’m too comfortable.”

Eren left without another word, jogging all the way back to the other house, fueled by the fear that something bad may have happened to his boyfriend. When he got there, however, Levi was still in one piece, sitting on a couch, cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other, grey eyes dazedly following the swirls of smoke in the air while someone to his left tried to engage him in a conversation.

When he caught sight of Eren, he cocked an eyebrow. “Are you done with your little hissy fit?” He asked.

Eren rolled his eyes. “I came back to make sure you hadn’t gotten your ass beat.”

Levi grinned wryly. “ _ Please _ , none of these little shits could take me.”

The shorter man stood, draining the rest of his beer and placing the empty can on a nearby table before nodding towards the door, wordlessly telling Eren he was ready to go.

They walked back home together at a leisurely pace and Levi reached out to take Eren’s hand in his own. His heart swelled at the uncharacteristically sweet gesture, and Eren smiled to himself, figuring it was Levi’s way of apologizing for his shitty behaviour.

“I forgive you for being a dick,” He said.

Levi glanced up at him and scoffed, but said nothing, a slight smirk on his lips. They reached the house and headed upstairs, kicking off their shoes at the door. Eren headed to the bathroom for a shower, itching to wash away the layer of sweat on his skin and the blood splatter still on his knuckles.

Before he had the chance to even turn on the valve, Levi called him from the living room, his voice shaky and panicked like Eren had never heard it before. The sound made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he ran down the hall, stopping short in the doorway, his stomach dropping at the sight before him.

“Come on, Hanji, wake up! Please, wake up!” Levi shouted desperately, shaking his friend’s shoulders. Hanji’s head lolled to the side, eyes glassy and half-lidded, their face a sickly shade of grey. Eren’s heart pounded in his ears as his eyes flicked between Hanji, Levi and the syringe on the table.

He stumbled out of the room, fishing his phone from his pocket and calling an ambulance.


	7. Come Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow, if you're still reading this, I applaud you!
> 
> Chapter song: Every High Has a Come Down by Anarbor

Eren hadn’t thought things could get any worse, that he and Levi couldn’t sink any lower, but he was sorely mistaken.

Hanji hadn’t woken up. The paramedics took them away and the physician pronounced them dead on arrival. Eren had never seen Levi look so broken, and he’d never felt so helpless as he watched the man sink to his knees and cry, unable to do more than hold him and cry too.

Hanji’s estranged family had been contacted and they were brought home to be buried, too far away for Levi and Eren to make it to the ceremony. All they could do was throw out the couch and replace it with another, just as old and broken as the last, but without the memory of their friend’s death on it.

Eventually, there were no more tears to shed and Levi became a hollow shell. Despite recently losing a friend to an overdose, he and Eren continued to use, unable to function for more than a few hours without their next fix. 

Levi was worse off, craving that numbness constantly, anything to soothe the ache in his heart. If he couldn’t find any heroin, he would take whatever drugs he managed to get his hands on. Alcohol became a constant companion; cheap, easy to get and effective at keeping his emotions dulled.

Eren was worried, high-strung and stressed all the time because he didn’t know how to reach the man anymore. They would get high together, make love, but they didn’t talk. Eren wanted to talk about it, needed to, but Levi would walk out whenever he tried, claiming he needed to clear his head. Eren knew he was just going to meet up with other friends to use without him.

After one of these trips, Levi came back to find an eviction notice stuck to their apartment door. Neither of them had worked in weeks and the rent was behind by two months now. Without Hanji, there was no way they could afford it anyway.

“Where are we supposed to go?” Eren asked him that night as he looked over the sheet of paper that said they needed to be out by the 30th.

Levi didn’t answer, concentrating on heating the spoon he was currently holding, watching the heroin bubble and dissolve into the water.

“Levi?” Eren tried again.

Still no reply. The room was silent as Levi prepared the syringe, flicking the glass to remove any air bubbles. Eren felt like he was going to go crazy. He was so tired of being ignored.

“Will you fucking answer me?” He demanded, his voice raised several octaves as he slammed his hand down on the coffee table.

Levi didn’t flinch, glancing up at his boyfriend with the same blank expression he always wore.

“We’ll figure it out,” He muttered. “Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been homeless.”

“Well, it’ll be the first time for me!” Eren said in a strained voice. “Don’t you fucking care? About anything?”

Levi rolled his eyes, sitting back and pulling up his sleeve, tying the rubber tourniquet around his arm.

“What’s there to fucking care about?” He asked, picking up the syringe and easing the tip of the needle into his skin.

Eren grit his teeth, staring down at the hint of blood that swirled into the barrel before Levi pressed down on the plunger, injecting the brown liquid into his veins. He almost asked ‘what about me? Don’t you care about me?’ but he was afraid to hear the answer. The words died on his tongue and he looked away from the other man, feeling sick to his stomach.

“Instead of sitting around worrying, why don’t you make yourself useful and go to Trevor’s and pick up for me. That was the last of what we had, and it wasn’t much.”

“With what money, Levi?” Eren snapped irritably.

“Tell him I’ll pay him on Saturday. Or suck his dick, I don’t know, he thinks you’re cute.” The laugh that came from Levi’s throat was raw and bitter.

“That’s not funny, you asshole,” Eren hissed, standing up abruptly, tears stinging at his eyes.

“Would you rather I do it?” Levi asked, staring up at him with heavy-lidded eyes, his pupils blown wide from the opium. There was a lazy smirk on his face and Eren’s heart ached. He used to love that smile, now it only made him angry.

“Fuck you, Levi.” 

“Fix your attitude first and then I’ll think about it,” Levi snapped. 

“ _ My _ attitude?” Eren repeated indignantly. “What about  _ your _ fucking attitude? We’re going to be homeless, and you don’t care. We’re gonna fucking die if we keep going like this, Levi, just like Han—”

Something shattered against the wall near Eren’s head and he flinched, looking down to see shards of the glass ashtray scattered on the floor around his feet. 

Levi was standing now too, looking furious. “Why can’t you just shut up? What’s the fucking point in talking about it? You think it’s gonna change anything?”

Eren swallowed hard, his fists clenched at his sides. “I want to help you, Levi, but if we don’t talk—” 

Levi laughed bitterly again, cutting Eren off. “How the fuck are you going to help me? You can’t even help yourself. You’re in this shit just as deep as I am.” 

A slap to the face would’ve hurt less than the reality of those words sinking in. More tears filled Eren’s eyes, spilling down his cheeks and he wiped them away angrily. He wished he had a friend to talk to, somewhere to go. His phone service had been cut off for several weeks now and he only occasionally kept in touch with people if he stopped in at the library to use a computer.

Mikasa, Armin and Jean had all been worried sick about him, but the messages of “are you okay?” and “please contact me asap” were growing fewer and farther between. It was as if they’d resigned themselves to the idea that they’d lost him, just like Eren had after losing himself.

“It’s your fault I’m like this,” He choked out feebly. 

Levi scoffed, closing his eyes for a moment before opening them again and leveling Eren with a cool glare. “I never forced you to do anything, Eren. You’re a big boy, you make your own choices. It’s not my fault you chose wrong.”

A fresh wave of anger flared up inside Eren’s chest at Levi’s icy response. 

“Well you’d know all about wrong choices, wouldn’t you?” He shot back, unable to stop the words falling from his mouth. “Your son is growing up without a dad because you were too much of a loser to get your shit together.” 

Pain flashed across Levi’s features and he looked away for a moment, grey eyes roaming over the various drug paraphernalia littering the coffee table.

“He’s better off,” He said in a strained voice.

Eren could see he’d struck a nerve and it gave him a petty sense of satisfaction so he pushed on. “You and I both know that’s a lie. You chose drugs over your child.”

There was another long pause, the space between them thick with tension. Eren observed the muscles in Levi’s jaw clenching and was pleased that he’d finally gotten some kind of emotional reaction from the man for the first time in over two weeks. 

“I don’t need this shit,” Levi muttered, and without meeting Eren’s eyes, he grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the apartment.

The slam of the door reverberated through Eren’s bones. Seconds ticked by as he stared at the floor, his anger fading away to be replaced by exhaustion and guilt. Feeling too weak to stand any longer, he kicked at the pieces of glass and made his way back to the couch, collapsing onto it and dropping his head into his hands as weeks worth of bottled up emotions poured out of him.

The last time he’d cried this hard was years ago, after his mom had died. They were the same body-wracking sobs of anguish, his cheeks flushed red and soaked with tears, his fingers tugging at his hair as he curled in on himself.

It had been a long time since he was sober enough to feel scared, of both who he was now and what his life had become. He was so empty and alone and it was terrifying. 

He laid down against the cushions, knees pulled to his chest, arms wrapped around them and he continued to cry until the sobs turned into whimpers and he finally fell asleep.

When he woke up, the first thing he noticed was that he wasn’t in pain. The twinges and aches in his legs and stomach that he normally felt after waking up weren’t there. The next thing he noticed was that he was no longer on the couch, but in his bed. Had Levi carried him there?

He looked over and found the shorter man sleeping next to him in his usual spot with his back facing Eren. It had been a nice gesture, bringing him to bed and tucking him in, so Eren reached out and nudged Levi’s shoulder, wanting to say thank you. The man didn’t stir, so Eren grabbed his arm and shook him a little harder. His skin felt like ice.

“Levi?” He said softly and when there was no answer, his panic grew. “Levi, wake up.”

He hurriedly sat up on his knees, using both hands to roll the man over to face him. He gasped in horror at the sight. Levi’s lips were blue, his face ashen, grey eyes staring lifelessly up at the ceiling, an empty syringe still lodged in the crook of his elbow. Eren pulled it out and tossed it aside, his throat constricting painfully as he cupped the man’s face in shaking hands. 

“Levi, you have to wake up. Don’t leave me like this, please!” He sobbed, tears falling from his eyes and landing on Levi’s sunken cheeks. 

He pressed his forehead to Levi’s and wailed, aching like someone had carved his heart out of his chest. How was he supposed to go on now? Levi was all that he had left. 

“Eren?”

At the sound of the man’s voice, Eren’s breath caught in his throat and he pulled away just in time to see Levi’s corpse turn it’s head to look up at him. Eren screamed, jolting awake to find that he was still on the couch. Levi was leaning over him, his hand pressed to Eren’s chest.

“You were crying in your sleep,” the older man explained, brows furrowed in concern as Eren looked up at him with wild eyes and struggled to catch his breath.

Finally tuning in with reality, Eren grabbed Levi by the front of his shirt, pulling him down against his chest and throwing his arms around him. Levi made a muffled sound of protest into his neck but made no move to push him away. After a moment, he hesitantly slid his arms around the younger man’s back.

“What’s the matter?” He asked, his voice soft against Eren’s ear and the brunet squeezed his eyes shut against a fresh wave of tears, clutching the man closer.

“I had a dream that you… you died,” He choked out. “We—we were in bed and, y-you were so cold.”

Eren relished the feeling of Levi tightening his hold on him, breathing a sigh of relief.

“It’s okay, Eren. I’m right here,” He said, pressing a kiss to the younger man’s temple before taking a seat on the edge of the couch.

Eren released his arms from around Levi’s neck, but reached out for his hand, still needing the reassurance that the man was alive and well. Levi looked down at their entwined fingers in his lap, his face somber.

“Levi, maybe we should stop,” Eren blurted. The dream had felt so real, and he was so afraid to lose Levi like they’d lost Hanji. He knew he wouldn’t be able to bear it. “We could check into the rehab downtown. We could go right now and they’d give us a bed. Please?”

Levi fixed him with an unreadable stare. After a moment, he released a harsh breath and reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a small bag of brown powder and tossing it onto the table. Eren’s eyes followed it and he was suddenly more aware of the pain radiating through his legs. It had been nearly half a day since he’d last used and the withdrawals were setting in.

“There’s enough here to last us until tomorrow. Ask me then.”

Eren met Levi’s wry smirk with a frown. 

“Levi, I’m serious. What if that dream was like a premonition or something?” Even Eren knew how ridiculous that sounded, but he continued on anyway. “I don’t want to come home some day and find you dead on the floor.”

Levi lit up a cigarette that he’d pulled from an old crumpled pack. “That won’t happen. Hanji…” His voice threatened to crack and he paused to clear his throat. “Hanji was careless. They didn’t know their limit. I do.”

Eren shook his head in disbelief. “What about me?” There, he’d finally said it. “What if I don’t know my limit, and it’s me who dies next?”

Levi glanced down at him as he exhaled a cloud of smoke. “That’s not happening either.”

Eren sat up, ignoring the pain in his calves as he did so. Once he was level with Levi, he threw his arms out dramatically as he exclaimed, “How can you know that?” 

“‘Cause I won’t fucking let it happen!” Levi snarled. “You’ve been nothing but a fucking buzzkill all day, would you just shut up about this shit already?”

Eren snapped his jaw shut, lips set in a grim line as he glared at the other man. Levi’s own look of frustration melted after a moment and he sighed tiredly, stubbing out the cigarette directly onto the coffee table.

“Let me fix you up and then take you to bed. Help you forget your worries for a bit, hm?” 

Eren wanted to say no, the word trying to claw it’s way out of his throat. All they did was get high, fight and fuck. What kind of life was that? There had to be something better for them. But as he watched the man open the baggy and scoop some of the powder onto the spoon, his resolve wavered.

Just one more hit, one more night, and then he would try again tomorrow.


	8. Antidote

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Antidote by Faith Marie

Eren lazily rocked back and forth in Levi’s lap, sighing contentedly as the older man ran his hands up and down his torso, fingers pinching at his nipples and gently stroking him.

“Do you feel good?” Levi asked, licking his lips as he watched the younger man riding him.

Eren hummed softly in affirmation, letting his head fall back as he continued his relaxed pace, feeling the first tingles of his orgasm beginning deep inside and working their way outward. He gave a low moan, leaning back to rest his hands on Levi’s thighs, and the older man groaned in return at the enticing sight of his boyfriend so wanton.

“You close?”

“Uh huh,” Eren keened, and Levi’s hands slid down to grip his hips tightly, holding him still and thrusting up into him with abandon. Eren’s body jerked with each slam of Levi’s hips, weakly crying out with every rough stroke against his prostate. The orgasm that had been slowly building finally reached a crescendo and he gasped, falling forward as he released over Levi’s chest.

The older man settled back against the mattress, using his hands to gently rock Eren through the aftershocks, until the brunet gave a feeble whimper and climbed out of his lap.

“You didn’t finish,” He said irritably as he flopped down beside his boyfriend.

“I don’t think I can right now,” Levi replied with that infuriating smirk, his eyelids drooping heavily. “You can finish me off later.”

Eren curled an arm under his head, fixing the other man with a somber look. After cleaning up the mess on his chest with a dirty tshirt, Levi turned his head to meet Eren's gaze and quirked an eyebrow.

“What, are you angry about this now, too? I made you come, didn’t I? Don’t worry about me,” He huffed, dropping his head against the pillow and closing his eyes.

“Even the sex hasn’t been as good lately,” Eren muttered. "Nothing's good anymore."

It had been a week since he’d first brought up getting clean, and had been trying his best to cut back, although Levi certainly hadn’t, simply taking whatever Eren didn’t want. The man wasn’t ready to move on the way Eren was and he could feel the chasm between them growing with each passing day.

“Don’t you feel like this whole relationship is falling apart?” He asked, sadness in his voice.

Levi sighed, running a hand over his face in frustration. “What do you want from me, Eren?”

“I want us to check in to the rehab tomorrow,” Eren spoke without hesitation. “We can do the two-week detox and then—”

“Drop the fucking rehab thing, seriously! I’m not doing it, but if you want to go, then go.”

Eren tensed as the words left Levi’s mouth. How could he suggest such a thing? Was he really okay with Eren leaving him? Did he really care that little? More importantly, was Eren strong enough to do it on his own? 

It wasn’t like he had many options. Either he would continue on this path and let the drugs consume him, or he would turn his life around and thrive, with or without Levi. The right choice was painfully obvious.

“What if you woke up and I was gone?” Eren asked quietly, picking at a loose thread on the pillow beneath him.

Levi blinked up at the ceiling. Several moments of silence ticked by before he answered, “Wouldn’t be the first time someone left me and it wouldn’t be the last. I’d survive. That’s all I’m good at.”

Eren’s chest tightened painfully and he curled in on himself a little. He swallowed back his tears, too tired to cry.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” He choked out. “Being with you hurts too much.”

He caught the flash of pain in Levi’s eyes and the way his jaw clenched before he rolled over without another word, giving Eren his back. Eren reached out a tentative hand to him, then thought better of it and dropped it back to the mattress.

He laid like that for an hour, listening to the ticking of the old clock on the wall, waiting for Levi’s breathing to even out, and then waiting a little longer for the courage to get up and do what he needed to.

He leaned over to press a kiss between Levi’s shoulder blades, the last one he would give him, and then climbed off the bed, careful not to jostle it too much. He quietly redressed and then gathered his things. All he had to his name was a backpack with some clothes in it, all his other belongings having been pawned off.

Standing in the center of the mostly empty room, he looked around, his eyes finally landing on Levi’s sleeping form. He looked so peaceful, but Eren knew that come morning he would be distraught and in pain, and it broke his heart knowing he would be the cause of it.

In one last ditch effort to help him, Eren stalked over to the pair of dark jeans on the floor, digging into the pockets to retrieve a small bag of powder and another filled with tiny white pills and then made his way to the bathroom. It took every ounce of willpower he had to drop the drugs into the toilet and flush them down. At least he’d left the man his cigarettes and the last few ounces of whiskey.

When he returned, he stood in the doorway, looking in to make sure Levi was still asleep. Part of his brain was screaming at him to drop the bag and climb back into bed, telling him everything would be better in the morning, but Eren knew it was a lie. He forced himself to the front door, stepping out and refusing to look back.

It felt like his heart was being torn from his chest a little more with every step he took. The further he walked, the more it ached, but he pushed on until he put enough distance between himself and what was now his past.

He found an old payphone and slid two quarters into the slot before dialing a number he still knew by heart. It rang several times before someone picked up.

“Who the fuck…?" They croaked irritably. "It’s four in the morning…”

“Jean?”

There was pause on the other end and some rustling sounds in the background before the other man spoke again. “Eren? What’s up? Where are you? Are you okay?” He bombarded Eren with questions, not giving him a chance to speak.

“I’m fine,” Eren reassured his friend, a bittersweet smile coming to his face. “But, uh, would you mind picking me up?”

Jean didn’t hesitate before saying, “Of course, man. Just tell me where.”

Eren gave him his location and Jean told him he’d be there in fifteen minutes, so Eren paced back and forth with a cigarette pressed between his lips, fighting off the late fall chill by rubbing vigorously at his arms.

He sighed in relief when he caught sight of the SUV’s headlights as Jean pulled up. The man honked the horn unnecessarily and Eren rolled his eyes as he jogged around to the passenger seat, climbing inside and instantly pressing his freezing fingers against the warm vents on the dash.

“Wow, you look like shit.”

“Nice to see you too, Jean.”

Normally Jean would chuckle and send another smartass remark back but instead, Eren looked over to find him frowning and gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“Where the fuck have you been, man?” Jean asked, genuine concern in his tone.

Eren let his head fall back against the seat and sighed, “It’s a long story.”

“Well, it’s past four am, and I won’t be going back to sleep so why don’t we have an early breakfast at Hanne’s and you can fill me in? You look like you could use some food. Have you even eaten in the past three months?”

Eren laughed, but answered truthfully, “Mm, not really.”

When they got to the diner, they sat in a booth and ate breakfast together. Jean got his usual stack of pancakes while Eren forced himself to eat an egg on toast. Jean ended up finishing the bacon and hashbrowns for him.

“So, what’s been going on with you?” The taller man finally asked, crunching on the last piece of bacon.

Eren exhaled, slumping back in his seat. “You’re not gonna like it.”

“I think I already know, I just need to hear you say it.”

So Eren did. He told Jean about the night he and Levi had met, and all the terrible, pathetic events that had taken place between then and now. He explained the not-so-steady escalation of his drug abuse and how his relationship with Levi developed alongside his addiction.

He kept the details of the actual relationship vague, only saying that it had happened so quickly and intensely and he’d been too caught up in all the good feelings that he hadn’t realized how unhealthy it was. He also mentioned that he had left without a proper goodbye, knowing he wouldn’t have been able to go if Levi asked him not to.

Jean stayed quiet, simply listening and nodding when appropriate, his face unreadable.

“It was fun at first, you know? Just letting go and not feeling anything,” Eren said, quirking his lips, and then added, “But it’s not fun anymore. I’m scared. I don’t want to keep living like this.”

“So what’re you gonna do?”

“I want to go to rehab. I wanna do the whole program and get my shit back together. The thing is, I have to detox…”

“And you don’t know if you can do it?”

Eren shook his head, wrapping his hands around the mug of lukewarm coffee. 

“I was thinking I should stay with Mikasa, just for the first week or two, at least. I need someone who can pin me down if necessary,” He said with a weak laugh. “Armin’s got my old room now, but maybe they’d let me camp out on the couch.”

Jean nodded. “I think they’d do anything to have you back, honestly.”

Eren smiled sadly at that, tapping his nails against the ceramic mug. Of course they would. Armin and Mikasa were better friends than he deserved, Jean as well, but if he tried to tell them they would wave him off and remind him that they weren’t just friends, they were family. He knew they would have his back no matter what, and he’d been a grade A fucking asshole to them.

“Jean, I’m sorry for being such a dick to you.”

“I mean, you’re always kind of a dick, but I appreciate that,” Jean replied with a wry smile and Eren rolled his eyes.

Without prompting, Jean footed the bill for both of their meals and Eren made a mental note to treat him next time, once he was back on his feet. The taller of the two fiddled with his phone as they got up to leave.

“Mikasa and Armin are up. They said I can drop you off now,” He said and Eren simply nodded.

The ride was quiet, save for a few well-meaning but useless reassurances from Jean that it would all be fine. Eren was still nervous as hell, his hands shaking as he exited the SUV and made his way into the building. He buzzed his sister’s apartment and she unlocked the door without a word.

He climbed the stairs slowly, trying to control his breathing. He hadn’t seen Mikasa since the last time he’d stopped in to grab his things, and it had been even longer since he’d seen Armin. There had been a few conversations online where he’d asked them to send him some money and sometimes they would take pity on him, but those didn’t count as real interactions. 

Now that he thought about it, he still owed them both hundreds of dollars. It was going to take a long time to pay them back and make up for the shit he put them through.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he realized he’d reached the door of his old apartment. With a deep breath, he raised a shaky hand and knocked. Only a few seconds passed before it swung open and Mikasa was standing there with wide, sad eyes.

Eren lifted a hand to wave but she was already throwing herself at him, arms squeezing tight around his neck and he had no choice but to return the hug, patting her back as she cried into his shoulder. Eren glanced up to see Armin standing in the doorway, a sad smile on his face, which Eren returned.

“I’ve been so worried about you,” Mikasa sniffed as she finally released her hold on him. “Come inside, I have some tea made.”

Once they were inside the apartment and the door was closed behind them, it was Armin’s turn to hug Eren, gentler than his sister had.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” He said and Eren gave him a genuine smile, thankful that he had such wonderful people in his life, and that he was being given a second chance. 

“Me too.”


	9. Leech Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song - Leech Boy by Crywank
> 
> Poor Levi doesn't have the same support system that Eren does. This is a glimpse into his lowest point.

Levi woke up to the feeling of a warm body pressed along his back. Someone was breathing softly against his ear and for a moment, his heart swelled as he thought it might be Eren. Then he blinked a few times until the unfamiliar room came into focus and he remembered that Eren had left him weeks ago. 

The slob with his arm around him was just another user like himself. Levi wasn’t even sure what his name was. He’d only gone home with him for a hit and a warm place to sleep and now that those needs had been fulfilled, it was best that he didn’t stick around.

Levi tried to sit up but the arm around his waist tightened, pulling him back. Annoyed, he wedged his elbow under the man’s ribs and forced him to let go. The larger man grumbled and rolled over, much to Levi’s relief.

He stood and slipped on his underwear before snatching the pack of smokes from the side table and lighting one up. Walking over to the window, he pulled open the curtain to look outside and figure out exactly where the hell he was. The sun was in the western part of the sky, telling him it was some time in the afternoon and judging by the buildings in the distance, he seemed to be a short walk from downtown.

He’d lost track of the days. He guessed it was Tuesday but for all he knew, it could’ve been Friday. What did it matter? It’s not like he had a steady job to worry about. While he still managed to find the odd under-the-table job, he’d started sleeping around to get his fixes, so even though he was usually completely broke, it wasn’t that big of an issue. Fuck self-respect. As long as he could get high, nothing else mattered anyway.

He took precautions of course, always using condoms and never sharing needles. He may not care about much but that didn’t mean he wanted to rot and die from some shitty disease. Condoms were free at the health clinic where he got his new syringes. Thank god for the needle exchange program.

Levi carelessly ashed on the windowsill before turning away and putting on the rest of his clothes. They didn’t smell great, but they were the cleanest stuff he had at the moment. The next time he had some change to spare, he would bring his few articles of clothing to the laundromat. 

Before leaving the room, he swiped the bottle of peach schnapps from the dresser, taking a sip and then stuffing it into his bag.

Checking over his shoulder to make sure the guy was still out, Levi quietly headed for the bathroom. He opened the medicine cabinet and rifled through the clutter before finding a few Percocet and some Clonazepam. He gave the bottles a shake, judging there to be about twenty of the latter and then tucked them into his backpack too.

A heavy hand settled on his shoulder just as he zipped the bag closed, and he looked up into the mirror in time to see the man standing behind him with an empty beer bottle clenched in his other hand, poised to smash it against Levi’s skull. 

Not for the first time in his life, Levi was thankful for his small size as he ducked out of the way, slipping between his attacker and the door just as the bottle shattered against the counter. His still lit cigarette had fallen from his mouth and rolled across the floor.

“You think you can just steal from me?” The guy shouted, looking much more awake than he had five minutes ago. Levi supposed he hadn’t been as quiet as he thought.

“Well, I just did, didn’t I?” He retorted, picking himself up off the floor and scrambling backwards until he was pressed against the window at the end of the hall. He felt a breeze at his back, realizing it was open and glanced over his shoulder to see the garage conveniently situated below. 

When he looked back, the man was stalking angrily towards him and there was no way he could get around to the stairs, so he chucked his bag out the window and onto the roof, and then climbed out himself. Slinging the backpack over his shoulders again, he tiptoed carefully but quickly along the slanted roof, mindful of loose shingles. That was all he needed, to fall and break his neck.

He could hear the guy screaming at him from behind, calling him every name in the book as he crouched down and slid off the edge, clinging to the gutter and praying for his bad ankle before dropping down to the concrete below.

He managed to land on his feet and he glanced back up at the guy still leaning out his window. Ignoring the curses aimed his way, Levi simply gave a small wave before turning and heading down the sidewalk. He didn’t think the guy would come out and chase him down the road for a few pills and a bottle of schnapps, but he was still on high alert until he made it to the next street over.

His heart was pounding in his chest as he walked and he felt nauseous. There had been a point in his life when he’d prided himself on his physical abilities, having been involved in different sports during his youth, but being on drugs for several years had weakened him significantly. In short, he was out of fucking shape.

Not to mention, he was starving. He’d been hoping to scour the guy’s kitchen before leaving, since he hadn’t eaten in a few days, but that plan had gone out the window. With him, literally.

He walked around downtown until it got dark, which happened quickly since it was early winter now. His sweater did little to keep out the chill and he wrapped his arms around himself as he walked, chain-smoking the last of his cigarettes. 

Unable to take the cold anymore, he ducked into an alley, pulling the bottle of schnapps from his bag and popped one of the Percocet, hoping that it would dull the cramps in his legs for a little while. He then sat on the bag, curling his knees to his chest and sipping on the alcohol, relishing the warmth of it in his stomach.

Not only were the physical aches setting in, but he could feel the withdrawal anxiety creeping up too, threatening to suffocate him. Swallowing hard, he rested his head against the brick wall and closed his eyes. As usual, whenever he had a moment of rest, memories of Eren would surface and he was soothed by the vision of the brunet’s smiling face. 

Thinking of the younger man was a double-edged sword, though, having the power to both calm his nerves and also reopen the wound on his heart that never seemed to fully heal. It often brought back the memory of that awful morning; waking up in an empty bed, to an empty apartment, realizing that Eren had finally left him. 

It had felt like falling into a void, being consumed by darkness after the only remaining light in his life had been snuffed out. He’d gone completely numb, telling himself it was for the best, that Eren deserved better than being dragged into the black hole that was Levi’s life. He had forced down the grief, tucking it away just as he had after Hanji’s death, letting it fester and burn through his gut like acid.

He knew Eren hadn’t wanted to hurt him, hadn’t intended to leave this gaping hole in his chest, one that he’d been trying in vain to fill with drugs, alcohol and meaningless hook ups. He should’ve just listened to him. Why did he have to be so fucking stubborn? 

Levi opened his eyes and looked up at the dark sky, the stars blurred by unshed tears. He sighed and blinked them away, feeling himself begin to shiver. He hoped that wherever Eren was, he was warm and happy. 

The temperature was below zero at this point and his fingers were going numb around the bottle, so he drained the last few sips and tossed it aside before standing again, throwing the bag over his shoulders once more. He would need to keep moving if he didn’t want to freeze to death.

Where could he go, he wondered, pushing the thought of bright green eyes from his mind. He owed everyone he knew money, and several dealers would be more than happy to beat the shit out of him at this point. 

He only had three Percocet and the bottle of Clonazepam and neither were worth much. The cold was making his cramps worse and he rubbed at his thighs to try and ease the pain, sighing to himself again. Whose dick did he have to suck for a dose? The thought made him curl his lip in disgust.

He went through a mental checklist of all the addicts he knew that he hadn’t already fucked over at some point and there weren’t many left. Stepping out of the alley, he was hit by a freezing gust of wind that he felt deep in his bones. Turning his back to it, he stuck his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie and headed for the first place on his list.

He made three separate stops, knocking and waiting, for no one to answer. His body was sore and weak and he felt decades older than he was by the time he got to the fourth place. He hoped to whatever higher power there may be that someone was home and that they would let him in for at least a few minutes.

There were no lights on, and no answer when he knocked. Levi ground his teeth together, kicking the door of the old house in frustration, causing it to rattle on its hinges. It was satisfying and his toes were too numb to feel anything so he kicked it a second time. Once more and the frame around the lock cracked, allowing the door to swing inward. 

Levi stood on the front steps, staring dumbly into the dark house, fingers flexing at his sides. He held his breath, waiting for any signs of life, and then as another chill raced down his spine, he stepped inside and closed the door behind him, finding an old wooden chair in the hall to wedge against it and keep it shut.

He wandered down the hall and into the kitchen. As expected, the fridge was empty and the light inside didn’t come on, confirming that no one was occupying the house and therefore, the electricity had been turned off.

The house was cold, uncomfortably so without any heat, but it was much better than outside. He used the bathroom, finding the water supply had also been cut off, much to his irritation. Washing his hands and face would’ve been nice. 

The living room was empty save for an old armchair in the corner. It was even more uncomfortable than it looked, but Levi settled into it anyway and dry swallowed one of the Clonazepam, hoping to sleep for at least a few hours before heading out and continuing the search for his next fix.

The remaining alcohol and codeine in his system combining with the benzo created a pleasant haze in his mind that kept him from thinking too hard about anything, which he was grateful for. Missing Eren was more painful than any of his withdrawals.

Several minutes passed before he suddenly heard heavy footfalls coming up the front steps. His heart leapt into his throat and he pushed himself out of the chair again, grabbing his bag and heading for the nearest window. What were the chances that he would have to jump out two in one day?

The chair in the hall was roughly thrown aside as someone shoved the door open. Levi had one leg out the window when a bright light was pointed in his face.

_ Fuck. _

“Don’t move!” The officer shouted, his hand hovering over the holster at his hip, clearly waiting for Levi to cause trouble. He spoke into the two-way radio attached to his vest, letting his partner know he’d caught the guy and to wait outside the window in case he tried to run. 

Levi’s shoulders sagged. Just when he thought there were no new lows for him to reach, he proved himself wrong. Someone must’ve overheard his hissyfit at the door and then called the cops.

“Drop the bag. You’re under arrest for breaking and entering,” The officer continued, and Levi stepped back into the room, dropping his backpack to the floor, resigned to his fate as they read him his rights and cuffed his wrists behind his back.

Well, at least he would have a warm place to sleep tonight.

\---

Levi was held in custody overnight and went to bail court the following morning. The judge read over his charge and after a brief discussion with duty counsel, he made Levi an offer. Since it was his first offense, he could either do six months in jail or agree to sixty days in a court-approved rehab facility.

He’d never believed in a higher power before, but Levi supposed if there was a god, maybe they had gifted him with this silver lining. With the way he had been living, he could have died a hundred times over by now, but instead, every shitty occurrence had led him to this moment. He was being given one last shot and he’d be stupid not to take it.

So, Levi made his choice, smiling wryly to himself as he was led out of the courtroom. Eren’s wish had been granted after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter of the fic before the epilogue! Thank you so much for reading this sad, angsty mess! :)


	10. Epilogue - Battle Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is it folks! Chapter song is Battle Scars by Paradise Fears

Eren unfolded the list in his hand, scanning it once more to make sure he’d gotten everything Mikasa needed for dinner that night. She was working at the restaurant all afternoon so Eren offered to go for her, since it was his day off and he didn’t like to sit around the house doing nothing. His counsellor didn’t like it either and wanted him to stay busy as often as possible because it would keep the urges at bay. Idle hands were the devil's plaything, after all.

“Chickpeas, chickpeas,” He mumbled to himself, eyes roaming over the rows of canned food in front of him. Once he spotted them on the top shelf, he reached up to grab a can and fumbled it. It fell to the floor with a clunk and began to roll away.

With a sigh he chased after it but once he caught up, another set of much smaller hands wrapped around it and picked it up first. Eren lifted his gaze to see a little boy, no older than four, smiling and holding the can to his chest.

“Thank you,” Eren said, still crouching and holding out his hand expectantly.

“If I give you this, will you buy me a candy?”

Eren was taken aback. “Uhh…” 

“My daddy says I can get one if I’m good.”

“Well, then maybe you should give me the can and I’ll tell your daddy you were good.”

The little boy’s eyes lit up and he handed over the can. Eren couldn’t help but find him familiar somehow. The cropped black hair, the grey-blue eyes, the pointed chin. If he didn’t know better, he’d say the kid looked just like… 

“Jonah, you know it freaks me out when you run off like that.” 

Eren’s head snapped up at the sound of the voice and his heart stuttered when he spotted the short, dark-haired man walking towards them. Levi rested a hand on the boy’s head and looked down at Eren. 

“Sorry if he—” He stopped short, recognition flashing in his eyes as the other man stood upright. “Eren.” 

He said the name softly, sounding just as stunned as Eren felt at the moment. It had been eight months since he’d walked out of Levi’s life and started over. The older man looked the same, yet entirely different all at once and the sight of him tugged at Eren’s heart. He looked  _ healthy, _ his cheeks fuller, flushed with colour and the circles under his eyes were not as pronounced as he remembered.

“Levi, hi,” Eren finally managed to say, giving his head a shake and then flashing a smile. “How are you?”

Levi ruffled Jonah’s hair distractedly, and the little boy gave him a pout as he tried to pat down the mess his dad had made. “Good, I’m… good,” He said lamely. “What about you? How’ve you been?”

“Also good. I, uh, I’ve been working at the library in town. Going back to school in the fall.”

Levi nodded. “That’s great,” He said sincerely, a smile gracing his features. He shifted his weight, clearly trying to think of what else to say.  “I got in touch with my uncle a few months ago, and he gave me a job at his shop.”

“Wow, that’s awesome,” Eren said enthusiastically.

“Yeah, I’m mostly just there to clean, but he’s been teaching me a few things. Thinking about taking an automotive technician course,” Levi told him, rubbing the back of his neck, his smile turning bashful.

“That would be so great for you,” Eren said, eyeing the other man fondly. “I’m glad to hear you’re doing well, Levi.” 

Levi shifted again awkwardly, chewing at his lip. “Yeah, same to you. I really… Um, it’s nice to see you.”

Eren nodded, “Yeah, you too.” 

The four year-old standing between them grew bored of their small talk and suddenly blurted, “We’re making tacos! Do you like tacos?”

“I love tacos!” Eren enthused. “But I’m having chana masala tonight.”

Jonah made a face. “I dunno what that is. It sounds yucky. Do you wanna have tacos with us?”

Levi and Eren both exchanged a look, Levi embarrassed and Eren amused.

“Jonah…” Levi chastised.

Eren laughed, crouching down to Jonah’s level. “Well, I’ve already promised to help my sister with dinner tonight, but maybe another time, if you ask your dad nicely.” 

Jonah grinned at that, looking up at Levi who returned his smile. “Daddy, can your friend come over next time we make tacos?”

“I, uh, yeah. If you want, you’re more than welcome,” Levi replied, glancing back up at Eren while trying to repress the hopefulness in his eyes.

“I’d love that,” Eren replied easily and Levi’s gaze softened, prompting another tug at Eren’s heart strings. He couldn’t get over how great Levi looked, still as beautiful as ever, if not more so. Sobriety had done him well. The warmth in Levi’s eyes told him the other man was having similar thoughts. 

Blinking out of his daze, Eren reached into his pocket to retrieve his phone. “In that case, you’re gonna need my new number and I’ll need yours.”

Jonah watched as the two men exchanged phones, typing in their contact info and then handing them back. 

“So, are you and Petra…?” Eren trailed off awkwardly as he pocketed his phone again.

Levi laughed and shook his head. “Ah, no. She’s married now. It’s just me and this guy. I have him every second weekend and Wednesdays.”

Eren’s heart fluttered at hearing Levi’s laugh again and seeing real happiness on his face. His grin was breathtaking when it wasn’t formed on sarcasm or bitterness. Was this really the broken man Eren had left all those months ago? Unable to find his voice at that moment, Eren simply nodded in understanding.

As if self conscious of Eren’s staring, Levi glanced down the floor, chewing on his lip thoughtfully before looking up again with uncertainty in his eyes. He seemed to decide on something and finally said, “Eren, I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now how sorry I am. For everything.”

Eren’s throat tightened and he swallowed with difficulty before saying, “Me too. Neither of us were in a good place back then.”

Levi nodded in agreement and then flashed the smirk that had never failed to make Eren’s knees go weak. Even after all this time it still had the same effect.

“I know tacos won’t make up for much, but it’s a start, right?”

“Tacos are a great start,” Eren agreed with a laugh.

Jonah began tugging on Levi’s jacket, whining, “Daddy, can we go now? I’m hungry!”

“Yeah, alright,” He said to his son, reaching out to take one of his hands before turning back to Eren. “So, I’ll see you around, then?”

Eren nodded again. “Yeah, definitely,” he replied and then waved to the little boy. “Bye Jonah, it was nice meeting you!”

The boy smiled and waved back as he and Levi made their way out of the aisle. Eren stared after them, sighing contently as he took the grocery list from his pocket and checked it over once more. He was so giddy that he could hardly focus on the words written down.

He’d never expected to see Levi again. He had thought about the man so often, felt the pull to call a number he knew wouldn’t be connected, to visit a house he knew would be empty. Unsure of whether he was even still alive, Eren had grieved for months over Levi, only for him to appear again just as suddenly as he had the first time.

They would take things slow this time around, he knew, because the road to recovery from addiction was long and difficult, and if they were serious about change, they would have no choice but to be careful. There was always the chance of falling back into old habits, but having this new, sober Levi by his side as a friend first and foremost sounded like a wonderful thing. They could support and care for each other now like they hadn’t been able to before. 

Eren smiled wistfully to himself as he made his way to the checkout, recalling how he always used to wish for better things for them. Now that they had both taken the time and effort to clean up their lives, they finally had a chance at creating something meaningful. He knew that nothing was certain, but for the first time in a long time, he felt hopeful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's over! It's finally overrr! Thanks for pushing through this angsty fic and its somewhat bittersweet ending <3

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated! Thanks for reading!
> 
> Also, don't do drugs guys. Even if a sexy man with a black undercut and grey eyes wants you to, don't do 'em.


End file.
